I’m just trying to keep writing, and I’m up pretty late at the end of my workweek because I’m trying to maximize my free time.
I’m pretty lonely. In a number of ways, I just feel very separated from others. Maybe it’s because I’ve been feeling quite down for a little bit. In reality, I do have a lot of people who I care about and who care about me; they just aren’t physically around me. Why do you think I’m so incessantly online?
Phish is playing a bunch of nights at Madison Square Garden this week, and they played in Philly. I just keep seeing all these pictures of many of my friends together at these shows, and I miss them. I can’t really stand Phish anymore, but the togetherness just looks nice. I don’t want to see Phish; I just want to see my friends. It’s been a really long time since I’ve seen a lot of the people I care the most about. It must be nice for them.
I really only fall into comparing myself to others when I’m not feeling that great. I was coming back from work, and I saw a young homeless couple hanging out on a blanket next to the digital map kiosk thing that you can charge USB devices off of in Union Square. I thought to myself, “Even that guy has a girlfriend, man, what the fuck?”
There is a sector of life that I’ve never really figured out. When I look around, it seems like everyone else sort of has. You know, they’ve got significant others. It’s another one of those things that seems like everyone got an instruction manual for, but I missed the day where it was being handed out. I never really date, I mean I’ve tried that in the traditional modern sense, it was usually a really boring coffee date or a random internet hookup that never lead to anything else unless it was one of the very few actual relationships I’ve been in.
Or there’s the whole liking someone that isn’t into me, or if they are, I can’t really get into them because: what’s wrong with them if they’re into me? I’m fucked up.
To be honest, I know I’m not the most eligible bachelor, and I’ve been pretty monogamous with my own self-destruction. Plus, I don’t really feel very attractive from the beating my relationship with myself has handed me, but c’mon, that homeless kid has a girlfriend!
I fall in love with women on the subway for a few minutes; they’re interesting, beautiful, and unique. I wonder what they are listening to on their AirPods. There’s obviously the physical/sexual aspect of all of it, but I think about the little inside jokes that couples have and laugh at; I actually still think of some of them I’ve had with women and laugh to myself. I think about stupid little things like waking up next to someone and starting the day with them. I miss that. I don’t require it like some people do, as they are perpetually involved with someone; I’m just saying it’s a nice little facet of life I’d like to return to at some point. I suppose if I keep trying to improve my situation, someone else might want to get at it. It’s not like I haven’t got a pretty good personality, sense of humor, and taste in music.
