I wanted to just let the actual shit that i think rip onto a page, with 34 days away from all the drugs, uncut. I don’t want anyone’s pity nor am I some kind of Victim. I’m a really fucked up individual, more fucked up than I know how to deal with.
I swear, I’m the absolute worst. Just trash, the worst kid I know. I’ve done all kinds of fucked up shit that I’m too ashamed to even get at, I can’t even stand it. I don’t know why I still have all these people that want to be friends with me, I’m not even trying to be dramatic, I swear to god, I have no idea what they’re thinking.
I did the worst drugs that you can do, the ones that everyone tells you never to do, the ones with whole websites and advertising budgets trying to scare kids away from. Just deplorable depravity. Embarrassing public mental freak outs, sexual deviance… I’m telling you that if you were me you’d find it hard to live with yourself.
And I was fucked up young enough to prevent me from accomplishing anything, ever. Seriously, I can’t successfully exist, the best I’ve figured out was getting verbally brutalized by entitled middle aged, white, suburban Karens In retail for like 12 dollars an hour, while trying to maintain financial solvency. I’m so afraid I peaked in senior year of high school. I’m 36 now, which is basically 40 with absolutely nothing to show for it.
Since 2018 I’ve either been in rehab or huffing office electronics cleaner in some shit hole alley in New York City, yeah, I got sober for a year but I couldn’t keep it once shit got challenging.
I have no fortitude for the shit that gets hard, and no work ethic to do anything difficult for any length of time…fuck, man.
That’s why I set out to give up 34 days ago, there’s no sufficient track record of success to speak of that would lead anyone to believe they had a chance. I literally called my loved ones and told them to give up on me in early August… what kind of asshole does that to people? Me, that’s what I did.
I’m in this rehab and these people keep clapping when I say shit and saying I’m inspiring to them, but it’s only because I’ve done this so many times that the rehab curriculum is memorized and I got sober for a few years, a few years ago. Oh great, the best kid in rehab. What the fuck?! I’m so tired of this shit, I’m so tired of myself.
