“I’m so tired of being tired”- Tom Petty
I turned 35 this winter and i’m not claiming to be old and wise…I’m just saying i’m older than i was when my body could withstand a 12 pack and a gram of blow.
i’m saying that a month so far of the daily chase makes my back deeply sore. it makes me feel older than i have any right to, it feels heavy, because before you know it you’ve gotta carry the immense weight of the habit, you’ve gotta maintain a certain status quo of chemical intake to stay moving, and viable for mental survival.
the job of active addiction doesn’t give you any sick days, it doesn’t just go away if you wish for some peace. it tells you where you can go, and what you can do. it tells you the type of people you’ll be around and its never asking if that’s gonna be alright with you.
i dont make distinctions between drug habits, generally because to me its all the same: its either just about almost too heavy to lug a city block or it isn’t. i’ve changed between drugs of primary abuse so many times, the illness of it is the same. i know it’s really chic to be on heroin, for some…i’ve felt dopesick before. its all a full time fuckin job for some of the population.
i spent years addicted to huffing that stuff you blow the dust out of your computers with. not because it was the best drug available, because it’s easily shoplifted from a drug store like rite aid or a walmart. it took me apart just as efficiently as any drug could.
and leave it to me to go get an addiction that has to have a preface of explanation to even seasoned medical professionals i had encountered. when i’m inside of myself, and i feel stuck, i’m getting out.getting out as far and as quickly as can be possible.
no one develops a hobby as a connoisseur of consumer electronic cleaning products like a fine aged scotch; its a race to escape the scene of the crime (existence). there aren’t any scruples about how i’m doing it, i told you i gotta go like…yesterday.
i would at some point like to shine a light on inhalant addiction, i wont get at all that right now, i will say for example that i had to endure a third degree chemical burn on my arm that required skin graft surgery. the scar is still there i’d be glad to show you.
some of us just can’t live, we need to augment the experience of consciousness, normalcy is the ultimate discomfort, a completely unacceptable fate. you find the only thing worse than the illness is the repercussions of how we cure it.
i don’t mean to be depressing here, i just aim to make it as understandable to anyone as i can, because people don’t get it. its completely foreign. It shouldn’t be, however because the statistics put at least one in every family so look around the living room.
unfortunately i can’t speak to the solution on a personal or societal level at this point in my time knocking around this big fucking travesty of maladaptive behavior… maybe sometimes i just gotta talk about the problem. maybe ill find the solution and i can look back on this diatribe and laugh.
i can tell you that our response as humans who deal in science is woefully inefficient. what do we do? incarcerate as many sick people as we can. at least some of us will find god at some point and that’ll knock off a percentile of the numbers in the shambling hoards of the chemically dependant.
I've been sober for a few years, aware of the methods to change that fact. i feel like there are times when you can live with it, i feel like you have to be a moving target for the beast. i’ve been a devout 12 step guy, I've been a pissy and snarky atheist, I've been optimistic (i am now) and I've been nihilistic. Idon’t know where the answer lies, maybe there are more than one simple answer for an incredibly complex behavioral condition(imagine that, more than one) . i don’t know. i just came here to write, for the rhythm of it. maybe self expression will help me as i move on from this particular drug crazed period.
i’m sorry i didn’t have any answer in my rambling blog post but really if i said that i did it wouldn’t be even more troubling? no one has as much figured out as they want to appear to, especially in the snake oil slick of self help searching. the people that i think have it the most together are probably walking around worried that the world will discover they are totally lost, as they lead huge columns of people to the next one day at a time. i think what keeps those of us that are looking for escape from the walmart electronics department or the pain clinic is fluid
there are things that i believed to be indisputable cures for the ol’ life bonfire in 2015 that mean less than nothing to me today. who knows what’ll mean something in a month or a year.
FUCK!
i better stop before i become the guy on drugs telling people anything preachy about how to stay the fuck off of them. i never knew which way i was going, anyway, as long as it was somewhere besides right here.
call me a drug addled asshole (ev.penk7@gmail.com) or buy me a coffee ( https://www.buymeacoffee.com/Evr0ck17 ) or do both, im not interested in telling anyone what to do. actually i will tell you what to do in this case: https://www.patreon.com/evr0ck1 go subscribe to my verbal fuckary even if you had a coffee with this asshole.
