(in this city that don’t give a fuck about you)
I’m not having really good feelings and a really good time right now.
So, I have a friend I met in the program where I lived before moving to queens who is having a rough patch with his lady, who kicked him out.
You may be familiar with this kid, he played guitar on some videos I posted on YouTube last year, a good Colombian kid (I thought).
He needed a place to stay, and being a good friend, I told him he could crash for just a few days in the empty room my supportive housing apartment until he sorted shit out. Things were going okay, but then he started promising me money that never showed up, which was stressing me out, considering I’m not exactly rolling in dough either (financially insolvent). He seemed to always have an excuse why he wasn't paying me.
Now, I’ve been homeless, so i’m uniquely qualified to empathize with someone in his position. In fact, out of the last decade I've spent more time on the streets of this city than off of them. Homeless, street homless. we aren’t talking couch surfing, we’re talking about a pile of cardboard on the sidewalk with rats running around at eye level. I didn’t have anyone, I didn’t know anyone because frankly other people would get in my way or make me think about how horribly fucked up my life had become, and I was the kind of sore sight on 2 legs that would have you crossing the street when you saw me, a walking corpse.
A young man that I spent most of 2020 in a residential rehab in East Harlem with said something that i’ll never forget:
“there are 7 million people in this city that don’t give a fuck about you”
-Taurai Rakunda, 121st street 2020
I have trouble being assertive about the fact that I like my little alone time, with my little daily routines that I don’t like being interrupted by house guests…shit I have trouble being assertive about everything, because i’m so worried i’m going to upset someone. What’s so scary about upsetting people? why am I so horrified of conflict? I let people do things that don’t align with my best interest just because I don’t want to hurt any feelings. That has to stop.
When I feel like someone is looking to use my kindness and empathetic nature to take advantage of me, I take it as a personal affront to my intelligence, and I do not respond favorably.
I told him, he can give me some money immediately or this as far as we go. Maybe he needs to know what my life was like that made me figure out what to do to get an apartment with no financial assets to speak of, with no couches to crash, and 7 million people that don’t give a fuck about him.
I give a fuck about him, but my fucks are running out, quickly. I’ve worked hard to have my little me space, to do my little me things and i’m not anywhere near about to let it get fucked with for anyone.
UPDATE (2 hours later):
Well, I’m still not having a good time, but at least I got some money out of this whole ordeal. My “friend” showed up with his wife, paid me a little something for the trouble, and they went on their way.
I gotta say, before everything worked out with the wife, he was pretty insistent about staying longer, even after I made it clear I needed my space. Money or not, that kinda pushiness triggers some bad memories from past roommate situations. It’s hard to shake that feeling of being taken advantage of, especially when you’ve been through kind of struggles that I have.
This whole thing just reminds me why I’m so protective of my “me time” and my little routines. It took a lot of hard work and hustle to get off the streets and into a place of my own. I’m not about to let anyone mess with that, no matter how “good” a friend they claim to be.
As Taurai so eloquently put it, there are 7 million people in this city who don’t give a fuck about me. It’s a harsh reality, but it’s also a reminder that I need to look out for myself first and foremost. And if that means being assertive and setting boundaries, then so be it.
Hey now! wouldn’t you feel great buying me a coffee for all of this wonderful content that I provide? i’d feel great: https://ko-fi.com/evr0ck17
