Ev R0ck
1 min readSep 13, 2023

i havent been writing because i feel like shit. i didn’t edit this for spelling and grammar:

i’ve been having those feelings of hopelessness again. when my mind tells me i’ve never been ok and i’m never going to be ok, and there’s nothing to be done about it so i should kill myself. i’m not going to, this is just my thinking. there’s a difference between being suicidal and having suicidal thoughts.

i don’t even know what to do, i have to just wait for it to pass, it’s so uncomfortable. i used to go to the hospital, but what is that going to do? i saw a psychiatrist, who didn’t do anything, and had acupuncuncture just to try something different. can i just get a ketamine infustion, already? what the fuck.

i was doing so good last week, and then it was over. i was writing all of these songs, and feeling good about music, now i’m numb i dont feel anything about anything. i was writing about being ok with whatever is going on, now i’m not ok with anything.

i have my first film screening on friday and i don’t even care about that, i’m supposed to sing a song.

i don’t even want to be in my body, it’s literally uncomfortable to exist.