Sometimes I wonder why I’m so fucked up. I sit around and contemplate it. I discuss it with my therapist. Then, I stop. I don’t know if the “why” really matters. I’m not sure if there’s any meaning in the “why.” …

My friend gave me some advice when I called him to vent about something — I forget what it was (but it was super important at the time). He said, “Stop trying to understand why people do what they do.” That’s really good advice, when I think about it. …

I was thinking about the next presidential election, and it’s like, “America, this is what you’ve got for us? Donald Trump and Joe Biden… really?” No wonder I have no faith in politics. They are both trash — corrupt, old, rich, and white. I know that Biden is better than…

I’ve lived a good portion of my life under the assumption that my father would commit suicide, ever since his first real nervous breakdown in 2004, the one that caused the divorce and everything else that went along with it. I remember him telling me that for a period of…

I would like to report that the first screening of the film i’m in, the Q and A, and the musical performance went very well. there weren’t many people there, which was perfect for me as i have never really sung for an audience before. …

This is the 501st blog post on Evr0ck17.medium.com. I thought it was going to be the 500th, but I guess I planned that poorly and posted something else at 500. 501 posts! Wow. What do you say about that? I’ll say this: I’m glad the blog isn’t just one of…

Tomorrow is the first screening for the film I’m in, and i am looking forward to seeing it in a theater, on a big screen with other people in the audience, to see what they react to and how. I am going to be answering their questions afterward, and preforming a song. this is the part that makes me nervous as i have never sang for an audience before. i hope i make it through the song ok. it’s going to be “shine a light” by the rolling stones, as my singing that song kind of anchors the whole film, and if there were a theme song that would be it. i know the song, i know the words.

i havent been writing because i feel like shit. i didn’t edit this for spelling and grammar: i’ve been having those feelings of hopelessness again. when my mind tells me i’ve never been ok and i’m never going to be ok, and there’s nothing to be done about it so…

You know what? I’m in this program, and I don’t care how long it takes. I messed up and started over, and here I still am. I can make as much music as possible and write all these little posts, and it’s great. I have a safe place to be…