A Reoccurring Dream (uncontrollable station wagon)
There is a recurring dream I’ve been having for as long as I can remember. I am in the passenger seat of of the Ford Taurus station wagon my mother drove when I was a kid, the car that eventually got handed down to me in high school.
I’m speeding down a dark highway, and no one is at the wheel. For some reason I can’t move to slide over and take control of the speeding car.
This is exactly what my life feels like when I’m using drugs and alcohol.
My life is a shitty old car barreling down a dark road and I’m paralyzed without any control of where I’m going. I’ve got no power to steer and avoid collisions. The velocity of the vehicle is scaring me and I can’t see very far ahead, just yellow lines. I just have to watch the car drive itself .
I’ve never been one to put much thought into dreams, or assign a meaning to them. I was just thinking about the connection of this dream to the reality of my waking life.
In real life I totaled the station wagon when I was drunk and on a bunch of Valium, I was 18. Luckily I walked away without a scratch and no legal trouble
“Society can do anything it wants with me when I’m drunk and I can’t lift a finger to stop it. - Alcoholics Anonymous “the big book”
Addiction places me in positions where I have no control: the jails, the rehabs, the hospitals. Someone tells me when to eat, where to go and when to sleep. This reoccurring nightmare means something after all.
I just hope I don’t total my proverbial station wagon of life.