(Almost) Over It
oh yes, let me do something with my mind, it feels quite shot out, plus this keyboard has a very nice feel. we won’t talk about the processor, but with some tuning i think i can get her humming along a little better, it’s really just a matter of having the patience to apply myself to that particular task.
i could hardly get out of bed yesterday. i went down the street to get smokes and pay my cellphone bill, and man it was hot.
i tend to go to an AA meeting on wed. nights. actually i tend to go every day. i tried to do it, i like to do it, just it wasn’t happening. i was asleep before nine pm. i don’t need to make excuses, i’ll just say that it was one of those times where i was frozen, i could not for the life of me get out of my door with my keys, sunglasses, glasses, phone, headphones and wallet all on my person.
if you read this blog, my freakishly vivid memory is well established, documented and is likely the reason why i’m able to write at the level that i can…maybe the levels, maybe some levels higher than others.
anyway, i’m thinking of a conversation i had last summer with my dear friend patrick. patrick and i have been friends since the bus rides in 7th grade. this has also been established and documented, i’m sure, somehwre in the 821 posts. i try not to repeat myself here, unless things bear repeating.
last summer, i was very lost.
i was on my way to see a psychiatrist that i really didn’t like, and who seemingly did not like me very much. well, the sky opened up with a biblical amount of water cascading down, and i had to seek refuge. i got under the ledge that covered the doors of Jamaica hospital, and i made some calls. i think i called my mother, and patrick. i don’t think i made it to the psychaitrist.
i had come out of a very profound psychedelic experience in the days prior to this storm, and i don’t know if that matters, but it does contextualize my mindset, i suppose.
he said something like “don’t let the expectations of other dictate how you move through life”
it sounded really good.
i think i kept it on a shelf, somewhere.
it seems to me that i understand it more, now.
the idea informs how i operate.
lets look at this blog, for an example: i might have perceived, either falsely or correctly that a certain frequency of posting was expected, or that a certain story was being told. i myself fed into this because i set that expectation.
like “oh, every morning i write something”
and “oh it’s a story of how someone used to live on the streets and be addicted to drugs, mentally troubled…and is good now.”
if i look back, there were times when i wouldn’t even write because of the corner i painted myself in. I’m not even sure anyone else painted it, it was likely like anything else: my perception.
so, now: it’s a matter of not beating myself up when i have a day like yesterday. the tying of my self worth to productivity, the expectations of others. i’m not going to say that i’m over it, but i will say that i’m far more over it than before.
i won’t take shots at AA. it is what it is, which is mostly quite helpful. i’m not going to make it the end all and be all of my life, but i will make it part of it, when i am able to.
now that i don’t really care (or care a lot less) what anyone expects, i think the wrtiting will be better for it, if i’m lucky my life will be better for it, too…which would be nice.
“nothing can stop me now, ’cause i dont care, anymore” -Trent Reznor, “Piggy”
