I am very, very discouraged. I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me.
I of course had to fall asleep at 11:30am because I never have the energy to stay awake all morning, let alone all day. Luckily I did make a doctors appointment to maybe find out from blood work or something whether there are some nutrients that I’m deficient in.
So I did that, and went to the library to get a card so that I have one and can utilize some of the things that come with it. I also got a free burrito for signing up for the taco bell app, but then I just had to go home and lay down. I fell into a deep sleep for a good hour.
I woke up and had some coffee, and checked the status of my disability claim, because I have no idea how i’m supposed to get and hold down a job when I don't have the energy to even return emails and calls, let alone go punch a clock somewhere. I have bi-polar disorder and had to resign from my last job due to the anxiety attacks I was getting.
Imagine this: my claim was denied.
I’ve been hospitalized for mental illness more times than I can even think of or remember, I literally live in supportive housing for people with mental illness and a history of homelessness, and my claim was denied.
I don’t understand how i’m supposed to survive. It isn’t like i’m not trying to get a job, and doing whatever else I can to try to get by on the 200$ a month I get from welfare plus food stamps. I’m holding it down pretty fucking well, man. i’d like to see a lot of people I know make it on such a small amount of financial resources, and still be standing with a full belly.
It’s crazy, the process of getting these benefits is most puzzling, most puzzling to those who are already puzzled. What am I supposed to do? Who is supposed to advocate for me? I need help. I reached out to a law firm, who is supposed to get back to me.
Do you think I don’t want to work and be an effective member of the working class in society? Is it that I like sweating the purchase of a 3.99 loaf of wonder bread? I assure you that i’d love to join the workforce.
I have noticed an improvement in the way I look at life, since I made the choice to use ketamine last week. Did it cost 40$? yes. Do I regret that expenditure? Absolutely not. I may be low energy, but I don’t think about killing myself at all, which was on the mind quite frequently for the two weeks prior that I literally stayed under the covers all day, except to piss, shit and eat.
The things I do, like finally getting a physician, cleaning my house, and trying to get a job may not sound like much to your average person, and good for them, but I was incapable of most everything for the first 3/4 of the month of July. I am able to do more, now and I stop and take pictures of nice flowers on the way.
Going to a Hindu temple, another example of something i’d consider but never actually do. Well, yesterday I did, and I intend to continue.
I made calls to people I love whom I hadn’t spoken to for longer than I ever would want to go without contact, because I realized whatever the reasons were that I had not spoken to them were so irrelevant when compared to how much love I have for them, that the silence made zero sense.
i’d bet that you could look at my writing and notice an improvement. I certainly feel better about it. It’s like everything in my head is more compartmentalized, even my handwriting is neater. this is silly, but I even organize the dishes on the drying rack in a neater fashion.
So, this is what I do when I write, and it’s why I write in the first place:
I will get by, the ways in which I will get by have yet to be revealed. I may have had some wind knocked out of me, but the wind regenerates itself.
I have weathered so many storms. You can go read the back catalog and see, I’m talking figurative storms and literal blizzards.
I would go out on a limb to say that my faith in weathering more is at the strongest it’s been in some time, or maybe I’m just more in touch with it like I am the people I called or the flowers I stop and take pictures of.
I gotta bring up the fact that it’s possible for those that read and enjoy my writing to contribute to the pint of ice cream and pack of cigarettes I that like to have daily: https://ko-fi.com/evr0ck17
