And everything I do makes me cringe.
I can write best in the morning, when I feel clever. By the afternoon I think every single one of my ideas is trash and I’m embarrassed by whatever I did in the morning, but it’s done and I rarely go and wipe it out. I have to do other things in the morning now so I’m going to have to change my process.
I put out more shit than anyone is going to read and I'm positively shameless about putting it on every conceivable platform there is… and then I get embarrassed about that. Again, it's too late. Furthermore, I attempt to monetize the writing which is a bit like "digital panhandling" according to a close friend which is also a bit embarrassing. Hey, what the fuck? You gotta work with what you're working with. I'm in no position to go get employed somewhere, and I gotta smoke and eat candy (for morale).
I think everyone wants to be seen, heard, and understood. Maybe my desire for attention is pathological, maybe not. I was raised on myspace, Facebook, and Instagram, attention whoredom is in my blood by now. Fuck it. I love it…until about noon, then I hate it.
I wonder if other people who express themselves feel that second-guessing self-doubt and just push through it. I asked Kanami Kusujima (the Washington square park dancer) if she ever doubted herself and she said some super deep, very Japanese shit about dancing being her reason to live. This girl dances in the park every single day in the rain, sleet or snow. That takes balls and self-assurance. I want a piece of that "I fully believe in what I’m doing", for the whole day, not just from 6 am until noon.
Fuck! I guess I just gotta cringe in the afternoon, and do it again the next day.
I make a lot of self absorbed cover art on glitch lab and canva. If you haven’t tried canva, check it out it’s free and you can make all kinds of cool stuff.
Do you have self-doubt about whatever it is you do to express yourself? Ev.penk7@gmail.com
Subscription to my patreon has been linked to positive emotional responses:
Hey now!!
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