challenging things
sometimes things are challenging.
i don’t even have to be doing the things that i did for so long that were making them harder, all the drugs and neglect of mental health hygine. i’m not fond of the whole counting days since i got fucked up thing, but friday was 90, i know that. there’s a recording of an old Ram Dass lecture that i remember laughing about where he talks about some one who says to him “it’s been 2,961 days since i…”, like it was still controlling the person who said it. whatever anyone else needs to do, that’s none of my buisness.
i’m sick of this whole notion that goes something like “well: person x is having difficulties, and it’s totally their fault.”
the whole thing where people only deserve help and compassion if they are the way that we think they should be, or they’ve made the choices we think they should make. there are people who want you to get drug tested before you get benefits from the taxpayers, or they want to tell you what to eat if you’re going to get on food stamps.
fuck those people. they seem to take no issue with their taxes going to subsidize the buisness ventures of nepo baby south african immigrants who squirt ketamine inhalers all day.
where was i? oh, yes: things are not easy. i don’t have any money (at all, none). i’ll pretend i’m one of these bootstrap pullers of personal responsibility and tell myself to get a job.
ok, i did. i’m patiently waiting on the email about the stipend and schedule. it’s a marvelous job, it’s almost a dream come true. it almost makes me forget about the last 3 jobs where i had dibilitating anxiety attacks that made impossible to function. oh, get a job? well i actually did get 3, and i’m feeling quite hopeful about the fourth. so….
plus, i really just haven’t felt well (physically or mentally). i went into town about 3 weeks ago to see my psychiatrist, he doubled my lithium dose and ever since a couple of days after that, i’ve lost a lot of my zest, energy and self confidence. plus my stomach has been hurting. maybe i need pepto and ginger ale, too bad i cant afford it.
the whole thing might just boil down to poverty. that could be the crux of so many issues. not just for me but for millions of others. i wonder when the pharmecuetical industry will make an SSRI that alliviates all of the systemic reasons that people have to be despressed. i think a lot about psychiatry and psychology. i think about how much of it is to make people more acceptable to a system that has no place for intellectual individuality. i mean, so what if i’m delusionally confident in my talents and abilities, and i find syncronicities all over the place…that’s a fuck of a lot better than whatever this is. who am i drugging myself to be acceptable for? i already tried that with shitty beer and cocaine to be accepted by the cool kids in my teen years and it fucked me up for the next 25, so i’m really not a fan of being someone i’m not for anybody else.
i’m not lazy, i’m not on drugs, and i’m not a bad person. even if some one was lazy, on drugs or a combination of both….they are not a bad person, they deserve compassion.
people who look at the suffering of others, judge them and punch down: they are bad people… or they at least need better training.
i’m grateful for my life. it’s beautiful. i think anybody would get stressed out, and still be grateful if they we’re struggling with meeting basic needs. the people that don’t get stressed out…well why do you think i keep getting further into practicing hinduism and meditation? i’m trying to get there.
seriously though, i could use some help, i’d be so grateful and it would help me keep doing the things i like to do…like writing:
