I don’t know if you’ve been reading, so I’ll try to get you briefly up to speed: I am in a residential addiction treatment center. Tomorrow is going to be one year since I got here, on 09/30/2022.
This place has been really good to me, and I am so glad I came here. I like myself more now, perhaps more than I ever have. I learned that I’m a pretty good singer. I spent all day today singing songs on TikTok; I would have never had the confidence to do that before. Yesterday, I got up on a stage in front of around 50 people and sang a Rolling Stones song after they watched a short film in which I talked about some really dark personal things I’ve been through. The film made people cry, and they were loudly cheering my performance afterward. I would have never done that before.
I never told anyone this, but I have this weird thing with people complimenting me. I think that they’re just being nice and humoring me, but that they didn’t really mean it. I’m starting to believe them. I’m beginning to see that I have some good qualities and talents.
I’m a made man here, honestly. There are literally posters with my face and a QR code on walls around the common areas. I’m not saying that being the coolest guy in rehab puts me in the winner’s circle of life; I’m just saying it makes things comfortable. This is precisely why it’s time to leave. Absolutely no one calls me on any of my bullshit; I have to literally call New Jersey to get checked on any of my shit.
It’s not at all ideal. I figured I’d have housing by now, but that’s a whole other mess that I don’t feel like getting into. But I am transferring to another program while the supportive housing thing works itself out. Maybe I need more time in a more controlled environment, anyway.
I love where I am, obviously. It’s just that I’m kind of stagnant and too comfortable. The other thing is this program is really strict with when I can go out, and I could never have the time to visit my people, which would really help morale. The place I’m going to allows overnight passes.
I’m not sure that I could swing going to Boston to visit my blood family, but I’ve got chosen family in New Jersey that I could definitely visit.
Not all the time, but sometimes I get very, very lonely. After all, I’ve been by myself in New York since 2020. Rarely have I seen any of my loved ones, and when I did, it was so good for my mental state. When my mother and brother visited me, I was in a good mood for like a month, likewise with when I saw my dear friend Liz and her new baby. I just want to sit around, drink coffee, and smoke cigarettes while talking shit with my friends. Think about how normal that is for most people; they can do it anytime they want and take it for granted, I’d imagine.
Maybe I could even catch a passable Dead cover band in Asbury Park, like I used to do twice a week and take for granted. I haven’t seen any live music in 3 years; I had to make my own.
It’s very exciting. Of course, I’ll go on about whatever happens to the best of my ability.
Listen, i very literally don’t have any coffee, and i really need help with that to keep banging out stories and things: https://ko-fi.com/evr0ck17
