A lot of marvelous stuff has been happening to me, and i’ve been seeing meaning in all of it. I cannot get it all in one post, but I do want to get some of it out, before I gather rust.
I’m thinking, all of the time. I suppose this is quite normal for everyone, but I have no tangible way of truly knowing, aside from the word of mouth I gain from talking to other people. It can be exhausting like “oh, well there you are Ev, doing all that thinking you’re always doing”.
My mind is much like an energetic young puppy (a good dog) , who needs a lot of exercise to blow it off. This is why i’m constantly posting on social , and obsessively devouring information. I’ve got a whole lot of shit in me, and i’m compelled to let it out. For me, this is one of the ways in which I can run around in the skin that I've never really fit into as snugly as i’d like to, and as snugly as I always (incorrectly) figured everyone else’s fit them.
I could very well be incorrect, but sometimes I just feel that there’s something to these thoughts that’s worth spreading around. Wouldn’t you know it, I've been on this internet thing for roughly 2 decades and have noticed it’s a rather efficient for spreading thoughts around. If I were to estimate it’s early intended use, I would say that it was just that. Now it’s for selling and buying. I’m really not selling anything, nor do I have the interest or financial resources to buy much. I have a whole bunch of thoughts, though, I feel compelled to do something with them.
so, what have I been thinking about? Oh, you know just the light fluffy type usual “what is my purpose?” type shit. Just the usual existential inquiries that we all have. do we all have them? If you don’t, i’d be interested in what that’s like because it (nothingness) does have kind of a sexy ring to it. I think that late one night I was in it all, and I messaged someone a question about how to turn it off.
The other day, I was sitting in front of a classroom full of college student in long island city. They had just watched a short film that their teacher had made about people in a substance abuse treatment center, who were incorporating musical expression into their recovery. It just so happens that i’m the main protagonist in the film and so I was in this class to answer some questions that the students had. This was a remarkably powerful experience for me to see these people relating to a document of some of my most painful life experiences which I described without pulling punches.
I had this strange notion that I’ve been slowly locating my strengths and playing to them, instead of focusing on my shortcomings and mourning my deficiencies (of which there are many). To me, it’s beautiful, and I cant shut up about how beautiful it is. the fact that my memory is freakishly vivid, lends a rather vast swath of context to it all, which lends it’s own level of intensity the experiences.
It’s a bit like I couldn’t figure out where to stand for the longest time and suddenly I’ve got some hint at where it might be. I’m willing, now to go for it, Whatever It Is so that I can stand in that place. It’s not all ego-driven center of attention seeking type shit, I mean some of it definitely is and I wouldn’t deny that (I have too much respect for those of you who take the time to read these things to obscure the truth).
What I think it is about how dark the places are where I’ve been and how i’m possible that I’m not in those places anymore, I want other people to know that’s possible because I know what it’s like to feel like it isn’t. I’ve been in the mind state where the only logical thing to do is to take myself out, and I tried. I’m not trying to propose that I know anything that others don’t know, and I definitely don’t want to be arrogant. I can’t recommend that anyone do things the way that I’ve done them because I’m sure there’s much more efficient ways, just think that people can find their own way there may possibly be someone that doesn’t know that. This person, who may not know that… that’s who i’m speaking to.
The best thing I can possibly do is not only try to learn from the insanely maladaptive behaviors that have plagued me and still do, but to use all of that trauma and pain to show somebody else what’s possible if you don’t give up. It might be seriously lofty and a bit delusional, but I don’t really care because I don’t personally think it is (the true sign of any good delusion).
Something fucking happened to me, and I thought it was just overnight but the more I look back on it all this stuff in the past was building into it. It’s either a midlife crisis or a Spiritual Awakening, I don’t really care which one it is it just feels very right.
I don’t fully accept everything and myself all of the time, but I’m able to way more of the time than I ever was before. I started the year in pitch black, crack friending existential darkness Talking to an AI Which, recommended Self-Compassion, and now here I am in December with a little bit of that Compassion, that’s crazy. I have always had a lot of deep rooted beliefs about myself which were a) not accurate and b) debilitatingly limiting.
I remember being in high school and having a notebook, and I wrote something about really wishing I could trust my voice. Now I’m about to turn 39 and I sort of do, I trust it enough to keep Using it, it’s very rewarding… and I’m amazed when people connect with what I’m getting at (like the college students told me they had).
I feel a responsibility who those who have assisted me, as I’m pretty confident that I can remember most of them. I’m not in the practice of denying my desire to be seen, it’s only the human condition… but I also want them to be seen.
While i’d love to make friends, i’m wildly blessed to have quite a few of them (wherever they may be) , and so I really want to get free more than win over those who are indifferent to what i’m getting at. Not everyone is for me, and i’m not for everyone. I wasted too much of my life chasing the approval of people that were unavailable, only to feel inadequate and resentful. If you set out with the intention of being authentic to yourself, people are going to respond to it.
I’ve been knocking around a concept in my head: clarity of purpose. 2 years or so ago I saw Forrest Whittaker talking about it in the only star wars shit that I think is worth a damn since Disney bought it (Andor). I thought it was such an amazing thing to have, and I wondered how I could get it.
I’m going to make a statement, with full awareness of the delusional grandiosity it’s dressed up in. Here’s what I think the purpose is: i’m going to try to be as true to myself as I can, in attempt to shake off a bunch of self defeating mental rubbish bags that were weighing me down for nearly 40 years. I’m going to try to locate te he lane in which I can travel the furthest, and stay in it. I hope I can. I’m gong to do it so that it doesn’t ever seem like checking out is a reasonable solution to my conundrum, and so hopefully someone else can see that it’s possible
just a bit of purpose, nearly 39 years into this ride. I coudln’t even tell you how grateful I am to be where I am, considering the places i’ve been. I couldn’t even tell you how grateful I am for those who have been with me (digitally or analog), or have come before me. I’m very active on social media, to the point where I get self conscious about it, but I get so much information that inspires me, so I keep at it.
I may not yet be able to tell you how I grateful I am, but I can tell you with perhaps the most certainly that i’ve ever been able to scare up that I’m still going to try my best to tell anyone who will listen. I’m so excited to think about where that might take me, and anyone that decides to roll with me.
I sure as all fuck don’t know what i’m doing, but I know what i’m not doing: giving up.
if you are thinking about something too, and you’d like to talk about it: ev.penk7@gmail.com
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