Drugs, Mental Illness, Fluid Sexuality (2021)

Ev R0ck
4 min readSep 23, 2022

Note: I had really wanted to write this story for a long time but I had to get honest with some stuff I was afraid of getting out. I sat on the draft for longer than i ever do Maybe secrets lose power when you broadcast them across the internet, maybe I just need a therapist.

It must’ve been late July 2021. I was In this vocational training course about networking computers and being some company’s IT guy. It was fuckin hard, all mathematical and shit. I made the rational choice to go find a doctor to prescribe me some adderall, to enhance my focus, I figured that surely 5 mg was benign. Bad idea. I had been sober for about 14 months at that time. Isn’t addiction crafty? Hiding in the best intentions…little cunt that it is.

I had sniffled through a month’s supply of adderall in less than a weekend and came away from it with an itch for uppers. So, I went on Grindr (the gay dating app) to find Tina (slang for crystal meth). I don’t know why I know a small sector of gay men are who to ask for meth, but they just are, I feel like everyone knows that. You might be the most heterosexual individual in your county, I don’t care, meth makes you at least mildly bisexual.

“I think choosing between men and women is like choosing between cake and ice cream. You’d be daft not to try both when there are so many different flavors.”

-Bjork

I never really did much more than have decent conversations and purchase/use drugs. Was I being a tease to get drugs? Whatever, everything (including sexuality) is more fluid than static.

The people (cis men and trans women) I met were very kind, interesting and decent. No one came off as pushy or like a jerk. My experience with the gays of Brooklyn was pleasant , I met artists, school teachers and filmmakers. I don’t know how they simultaneously used crystal meth and kept it together, but they are either better drug users than I, or just getting started.

I found a reliable connection for Tina and Ketamine (the latter being my favorite drug in the world), and I had some powerful psychedelic experiences with the combination. One night I was “left swiping” all of these hurtful memories in thin air like it was some kind of mental/emotional tinder in 4k resolution, 16:9 widescreen. Another night during a hurricane I thought my apartment was like a pirate ship or the mayflower being battered by rough seas. It wasn’t worth it though, because it triggered a very scary bi polar hypomanic episode. I never slept or ate, I was addicted to pornography, and i told anyone with ears that I was queer now. I don’t know what I am for the record, and I don’t think anyone needs to decide. Maybe you know, good for you. All in all it was the most public, embarrassing melt down in digital real time in my life, and I facepalm over it multiple times every day and my ego is likely irrevocably damaged. God bless anyone who returned my calls, or texts and still wants to be my friend. Not that being whatever sexuality you want to be is inherently embarrassing, it’s just not common to decide to be queer 35 years into the game, and then not really know how that came about . Fuck, man, be gay as fuck, be non binary or transgender, I’m proud of you and I love you. There’s an inherent solidarity in the lgbtq+ community, I think, because society required them to literally fight to be able to exist and have equal rights. I could be wrong, I don’t know enough. I just hope I’m not disrespecting anybody, I don’t think a sexual identity is some hotel that can be checked in and out of, i hope that isn’t what comes off here.

It was as if I had tried all these other drugs before, and had finally found the most damaging one. I wrote a lot of shit, as it was the early days of my blogging. I thought it was great, but I know now it all works better when I don’t take anything. I was hospitalized at least twice, one time being restrained to a hospital bed for damn near a week…my mind has blacked out a lot of it. I deleted all my drug contacts and went to rehab on my mother’s birthday. The most money that this blog ever generated In one day just happened to be on the day before I went to rehab, I think it was like 300$, how fortuitous. I didn’t stay sober for more than a month after rehab, but at least I wasn’t doing meth. Don’t do drugs, especially meth. I blew out all my happy brain chemicals and couldn’t get them back for a while, which says a lot considering I used mdma as a dietary supplement for most of my teens and early 20s. As far as all drugs go, if you’re predisposed to addiction and you’ve been at war with it, you will always find a lower level of rock bottom. It’s always going to find a new way to get positively demoralizing, forever and ever until you wake up dead. I don’t know how I haven’t kicked the bucket thus far, I think I’ve embarrassed myself enough to wish I had sometimes. I used to drink too much, black out and embarrass myself, but that would usually last for one night. Being manic, delusional and hypersexual while doing meth was like a month of cringe worthy behavior.

tell me what you think: ev.penk7@gmail.com

If you ask me, subscribing is a great idea:

Did you know that if you enjoy my writing that you can actually buy me a coffee? yes! https://ko-fi.com/evr0ck17

--

--