I have been so all over the place emotionally lately, intense feelings of grief, intense feelings of love…i feel like some kind of hormonal woman going through fucking menopause, or pregnancy. yesterday it was too much so i went to bed at like 8. i just cry for no reason, out of the blue. yesterday i posted maybe the longest and most personal blog piece I’ve ever done, and i wanted to delete it, but now that I've slept on it, let it be there. i love when i make something and think to myself “damn, Ev, that’s pretty good”, even if i change my mind in a few hours.
i can let myself feel emotions, be aware of them, label them, and observe them. If i didn’t have them i’d never be able to do anything creative, i channel that energy into self expression . without the intensity of emotions, i wouldn’t be the person that i am.
the trick is just ride them, and for me it’s not to try to control them with chemicals. i got sober like 7 months ago, and prior to that i was going to the most extreme lengths not to feel things, i’ve been in the persuit of numbness since i was 14. Of course i’m going to be emotional.
I am allowing it. Let these things do what they do.
I believe that i am the most comfortable in my skin as i have ever been. i am unique, i have value, and i can be helpful to others. i am weird, and it’s really quite alright.
i can wake up, and get into expressing myself, how fortunate am i?
i have two musicians that i can send songs to, they do all the work of learning how to play them, just so i can show up belt them out like i do in the shower… the trick is picking a song that is within my vocal range, and that i can make it through without breaking into tears. being that it’s thursday, and i have my weekly music session with the piano playing Mariano i am carefully considering my next song.
do you have any ideas?: Ev.Penk7@gmail.com
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