If you are here, then it is a safe assumption for me to make that you have instant access to all the information that I have instant access to. This is a blog, and blogs are on the internet, if they weren’t, they'd be called books, or notes, or even scrolls. You arrived here, on the same internet that you get everything else on, and that I get everything else on. I’m making this assumption so that I can save time, and of course the effort of making a list of things that are unpleasant to think about. I prefer to take broad strokes if I can, although I may not be able to avoid some specifics.
The assumption that you and I can see what we see is the only way that the next 2 sentences will work:
Have you seen everything lately? wow, what the fuck?
I’ve been seeing doctors lately, because for some reason I guess I think they’ll have some kind of valuable insight into why I have very little vital energy for such a small percentage of my waking hours. They have yet to provide answers, they’ve provided pills which went about as smoothly as the implantation of Windows Vista. Ok, that’s a very niche, millennial, geek reference. I’m a very niche, millennial, geek…. ok, moving on
I would just like to share what one of the doctors told me on Friday.
“Everyone is tired” — Doctor McFuckin Somebody, Queens, NY
Oh…ok.
So, I've got to adjust my expectations, perhaps. I may feel like shit, but at least everyone feels like shit. That’s so comforting, the new baseline is “in the trash”.
I was writing all of that, and it was bumming me out. I was thinking about how I never started writing because I wanted a complaint department that was visible to as many eyes as the information superhighway would allow. I was thinking about how often i’m at the center of my own thoughts, and I was also thinking about food, so I went to the kitchen and made some rice and beans and sliced a cucumber.
“everyone”
That’s where I want to be, that’s who I want to communicate to. OK, maybe “everyone” is a bit lofty, but definitely more than just one (me).
I wondered if everyone was breaking out into tears all of the time, because I am. Not just because i’m sad, and my heart is breaking every day, but sometimes because i’m happy and I have no idea how I ended up as fortunate as I have. I’m considering the notion that, perhaps, contrary to what society has led us to believe, it’s natural and permissible and I’m not going to hide it.
My heart is breaking every day, because there are numerous instances of senseless violence everywhere and for some reason, my mind and heart are attached to some ideas of right, wrong, justice and injustice. This weekend it was beyond the normal stream of senseless violence from places I've never been, involving people I've never known. This weekend it involved people I know, in the place where I was raised. I’m going to be vague, out of respect for those affected, but i’ll tell you that I have never known these folks to exude anything but joy, love and positive energy. I don’t go back to Plymouth, MA but obviously I have social media, and the presence of this particular family was always a spot of joy to behold, in what can very easily be a fetid, toxic wasteland (especially with an election looming). My mind and heart predictably cling to the ideas of right, wrong, justice and injustice… and there's no way to balance the equation in any way that provides any comfort or solace. Also, since “everyone” is the operative word i’m looking to deal with, i’m going to go out on a limb and imagine that everyone must get a sense of complete inadequacy when confronted with the senseless suffering of others that they have no way to relieve.
I’m aware of some of the tropes that have formed in the blog articles I write, and I’m going to fall into one right now, which is to attempt to sew things together on a hopeful note, if I can locate one.
everyone is connected. everyone is connected in ways that are far beyond my scope of understanding, so i’ll keep it to the way we are connected that I understand quite clearly, having grown up on the internet since 1995. When I go into my head, to try to balance out the effects that technology has on not just me, but the bigger picture, the macro and micro, one side of the scale with a great deal of weight is the division, sickness, and other numerous evils that come with 24/7 broadband, everywhere. the other side of the scale, is the kind of unity and support that I witness when something tragic happens, and I watch people look out for one another. I realize that everyone is connected, more than we are divided, that we are similar in more ways than we are different. It doesn't right the wrongs, it doesn’t bring anyone back who should have never been taken, but that doesn’t make it meaningless. Personally, i’m looking for meaning everywhere, all of the time…I might never find it, but it hasn’t stopped me from looking yet.
