My friend gave me some advice when I called him to vent about something — I forget what it was (but it was super important at the time). He said, “Stop trying to understand why people do what they do.” That’s really good advice, when I think about it. It’s highly likely that no one knows why they do the things they do.
I don’t know why I do anything that I do. It’s to the point where I’m very often thinking, “God, why the fuck did I do that?” about most everything I’ve ever done. It’s unfair to other people to assume that what they do makes any sense if I can’t even make sense of my actions. I suppose people have motivations that I could ponder, but it really isn’t beneficial to my sense of mental balance, or, dare I say, serenity. Plus, I’m not sure people are even aware of their motivations. I personally do know not know what i want, so please stop asking me.
Early in my blogging career, here on my…blog, I wrote a piece called “Everyone is fucked up,” and it’s true. Everyone is fucked up in some way. The thing is, we only spend 100% of our own waking time in how fucked up we are. We are so wrapped up in that, that most other people look decidedly un-fucked up. Everyone is fucked up, no one knows what they are doing or why they are doing it. The people who seem the most together and play it off are the really fucked up ones, I think. Not everybody has 500 posts on Medium about how fucked up they are. At least I don’t hide it. I need to dump my head out. Other people message me and say they can relate sometimes, so I know that I’m doing my job of being a fucked up, mental case, drug-addict millennial who writes about being just that.
Any long-time reader will know how much I detest the whole “saving face” small talk, “Yes, hello, we are normal,” look-good-on-the-internet thing. I mean, I like to look good on the internet, but I’d like it to be for being myself.
here is part 1:
here is a good way for you to help me keep looking fucked up (and good) on the internet with some coffee: https://ko-fi.com/evr0ck17