I’m just making myself write to see if it makes me feel any better. Forgive the typos, I'm in a bad way.
My brain is trying to kill me, and I can’t let it. I have to fight back. everything seems overwhelmingly difficult, even putting my shoes on this morning. I almost gave up and went back to bed, shoeless.
I was doing so well for a few months, but maybe I was just manic. that’s the problem with bi polar disorder, you cant even trust your joy. I guess it was a bubble, and I guess the bubble burst.
I fucking hate everything, I fucking hate everybody and I cant fucking stand myself. Literally nothing about existence has any meaning, not even the things I love . I'm so tired of falling apart.
I came here to treatment, and everyone liked me, I got some cool clothes to look good on Instagram, I wrote a bunch of good shit, and learned a lot about music, but I never did any of the inside work I had to do, and now I don't even have the energy to do anything, I wouldn't even know where to start. My counselor had her last day yesterday and before she left she told me that the place where I am isn't good at helping people with mental illness, i cant seek outside help, and if i end up in a hospital or crisis center I'll lose my spot here and be back on the street. I really don't know what I'm supposed to do with this information.
There has been an increase in one of my anti depressant medications, and I am talking to a psychiatrist today. maybe this will help. I'm afraid of being too honest, though because I don’t want them to throw me in another psych ward.
it feels like ill never be ok. That’s a very difficult way to feel and it’s hard to see outside of it. I’ll tell you what I’m not going to do, though: I'm not going to run off and look for comfort in drugs and alcohol, because I know that will make everything exponentially worse, and I'll probably end up killing myself. I’m just holding on for dear life.
Not only am experiencing visceral existential misery, but i also have no money… maybe you’d be inclined to assist
here is the link to the things i made when i was a functional human:
