I had heard something that led me to believe I would be hearing some news about housing today, and I did not hear that news. I’ve been writing a lot about perception lately, and this is just another demonstration of perception being so important to one’s mental wellness.
The only reason that I was disappointed, was that I had expectations. If I can manage my expectations, and perhaps lower them I will be a lot better off.
I had an AA sponsor for some years who I would call about this and that, whatever was bothering me. He would tell me that I am just where I need to be and just where I’m supposed to be, it made me want to jump through the phone and strangle him. Like so many things, I now believe he was right about that.
Sure I have been in this program for about 13 months, and sometimes the lack of Freedom bothers me, and I don’t like some of the facets of being here. I think anyone would have their moments a frustration in my situation. If I really consider the bigger picture, I’m grateful to be where I am, listening to whatever music I want, composing this blog post through speech to text. I’ve been able to do things I couldn’t have done before.
Why don’t we stop for a moment, and do something I’ve always had difficulty doing which is giving myself a little credit. At this moment, I have a grip on some Concepts that I couldn’t wrap my head around for a long time. I remember times in my younger years when difficulties much smaller than the ones I deal with today sent me off on a self-defeating hissy fit. A lot of things just roll off of me now. I think that way of carrying myself endears me to the people around me. As an addict I’ve always had trouble with hearing no as an answer, I don’t think that I’m unique in this, but I’m careful not to speak for anyone else. One of the features of addiction is arrested emotional developnent, I do however fancy myself as somewhat emotionally intelligent, at least for an addict.
Could I feel sorry for myself? Sure, I can find plenty of reasons to do that. I feel like a loser, but only when I compare myself to other people, who have a lot more than I do and have done a lot more than I have. Honestly, they probably feel sorry for themselves too, I think that kind of things scales. Obviously I’m not going to have some normal trajectory through this life, I’m not a normal motherfucker.
I was thinking about my mental illness, because it’s literally unavoidable (it lives in my fucking head). it’s made my life difficult, but I think it makes me capable of things I wouldn’t be able to do without it, like write about my experiences with relatable credibility. I don’t know that it’s possible to separate it from my personality, who knows where one ends and the other begins. If I didn’t have this personality, then I would really be fucked, as it is what has probably carried through most of my periods of extreme adversity, of which there were numerous.
I’ll stop with the self congratulations now. The universe put me here at this moment, where I’m okay. It’ll put elsewhere when it’s time.
This is the link to help me a little but, if you can: https://ko-fi.com/evr0ck17
