I get discouraged, and sometimes it feels like I can’t do anything.
Today, I had an interview to be a phone tech support person for the big broadband company in this city. However, two things happened that made me reconsider. First, I had one of those out-of-body anxiety attacks that I sometimes experience, and it happened right at Grand Central Station of all places. Second, I realized that the job was about an hour and fifteen minutes away from where I live. So, I would be transitioning from not working since 2020 to working 45 hours a week with a daily commute of 2 and a half hours to Flushing, Queens, all the way at the end of the 7 train. Taking the 14d bus to Union Square, then the 5 train to Grand Central to catch the 7 train to Flushing seemed like too much. I texted them back to express my gratitude for their time but explained that the commute wouldn’t work for me. I got off at Main Street, Flushing, had a cheeseburger, and went back home. Memories of past traumatic experiences resurfaced as I was there, considering the only times I had ever been in Flushing i was homeless and struggling with addiction.
Initially, I was determined to push through the anxiety attack and attend the interview, even though I really wanted to turn around at Grand Central and go home to decompress. But I ended up boarding the 7 train. It was after being on the train for 45 minutes and realizing I still had four stops to go that I recognized the impracticality of taking on such a lengthy commute. I believe I would have aced the interview and been offered the job. My hair was looking very luxurious , and I had been listening to Jay-Z all weekend.
I’ve had jobs in the past that have negatively impacted my mental health, and I’m afraid of going through that again. Sometimes, I fear that I’m incapable of finding any work that can provide a sustainable income, although I recognize that this is catastrophizing. As I write this, I’m trying to talk myself out of that mindset.
It doesn’t help my job hunt that the years of COVID and Trump’s presidency have made me radically anti-capitalist. Additionally, following various Marxist meme pages on Instagram doesn’t exactly mentally prep me the capitalist job search. I often wonder, “How can I be exploited in a way I can live with?”
Nevertheless, I’m still trying. I believe there must be something out there for me. I refuse to give up; I’m determined to pull myself up by the bootstraps. You’ll see!
meanwhile, I have a net worth of 5$, so it’s a great time to buy me a coffee for all of my excellent and thought provoking blogging: https://ko-fi.com/evr0ck17
