Freewriting Into A Holiday Memory
Yes, this is one of those posts where i just start typing to see what comes out. Sometimes i write like the Grateful Dead go onstage and just go with the rhythm, and today is one of those days. I have been neglecting my writing because I'm making really good sounding music, I don't know if the music is actually good, but at least the production is. I’ve had periods where I've had to settle for windows sound recorder, and it definitely sounds like it. If I keep my shit together i should start hoarding instruments instead of retro game systems like last time.
Anyway, I guess I'll address Thanksgiving being in two days. I have been in a rehab or psych ward for every major holiday at least once, and I am in the best one I've ever been in for this thanksgiving. Last year I spent thanksgiving in my apartment in Brooklyn with my 450lb, severely agoraphobic, energy vampire roommate and the kid he let get high in our living room. it had been years since i had seen my family (and it still has), and the loneliness and self pity bounced me into a bunch of 24 Oz Guinness's, which dumped me into a pile of crack. I’ve had some dark times on the street, but some of the times over in E. Flatbush could take the Pepsi challenge with any dark times in my life, i feel very fortunate that my life isn't like that anymore. The hangover was so bad, that once it was over i went straight to Alcoholics Anonymous. Nothing earth shattering happened, but the pain was more than i could handle.
I’m not a holiday person, i could give a fuck about all that. i think it’s from working in electronics retail for my entire working adult life. People get all fucked up from the pressure of it, and I don’t want a piece of any of it.
I’ll leave with you a memory that I don’t think I've ever shared, it isn't thanksgiving but all of it bleeds together for me anyway:
It was really closed to Christmas of 2016 and i was working at GameStop in Neptune NJ. i went up to a man who was getting “Destiny” action figures in the clearance bin. I just did the friendly retail thing and asked how he was. this is what he told me
“I didn't do as well for my kid’s gifts this Christmas as I wanted to, but I'll try harder next year”
and i said to him
“that isn't what it’s about, it isn't what any of it is about, man”
He gave me one of those handshake hugs, that mean as much as any separate handshake or hug means, and we had a moment. You know, thinking about it now, and what that kind of pressure did to the people i love makes me all emotional at this very moment. I’m thinking of the sacrifices to get me whatever video games or CD’s I wanted, and I'm tearing up. look at that, big stoic anti-holiday kid springing a leak over some holiday shit.
I didn't even have any idea what to write about, and I went and had myself a moment. That is precisely why I still write every day. Have yourself a good thanksgiving, if you are able to.