I just wanted to put this out there, it’s a whole idea that i intend to develop when i get around to it.
I know that it’s only been 2 days since i was really into writing, but it seems like a long time to me. I kind of fell out of it, mentally. I'm sure i will get back into it eventually, I always do. I'm still journaling.
I'm still constantly thinking, too. I was thinking about this psychiatric diagnosis of mine, bi-polar disorder. I think it’s bullshit. I believe I fit the criteria for the diagnosis, sure. that’s not the part that I'm calling bullshit.
I was thinking of all of these disorders, man. to me it’s like: oh, you don't fit into what we think society is and what you should do participate in it, well, that’s a disorder. if you took the whole capitalism thing out of the picture, how many of these disorders would cease to be a disease?
it’s just the human condition.
when I was young, and got my first look at the game I'm supposed to play and just thought “yeah right, you got to be fucking kidding me”. I accidentally said it out loud, or rather wrote it in a standardized test essay question. they made me go to a doctor, who said I was crazy. obviously he didn’t say it like that, he said I have ADHD and bi polar disorder, diseases of the brain that needed to be medicated. I've been medicated since, 24 whole years. I was a child, just 13 when I was prescribed powerful amphetamines. the drug that introduced me the whole concept of chemically altering consciousness, which was completely foreign to me.
“oh, wow, you can change the way you feel with chemicals? I wonder what else I can do with them”
it was a game changer. it wasn’t long until i was in the early stages of a budding drug habit, with the weed, acid and which ever chemicals that fellow students stole from the adults in their life. a lot of benzos and pain killers.
i probably would have become a druggie anyway, I'm just telling you what happened as a matter of fact.
the motherfuckers tried to chemically force me to color inside of the lines while I was fighting like hell to color all over the walls. they wanted to close and narrow my mind, when all I've ever wanted to do was open it. I was in my parents basement on acid trying to pry that bitch open as far as I could get it.
the plan, the whole “grow up, go to college, get a job, have a family, buy a house, get life insurance, blah blah blah”. that’s not for me, man i reject that whole thing.
think about it, money isn't even real, it’s only value is in how humans are conditioned to perceive it. it’s just paper, and it isn’t even that anymore, it’s all imaginary. I'm too smart for that shit, which makes me too smart for my own fucking good.
I have sincerely tried to play the game, I swear to you that I have. it’s not going to happen, and I'm still going to be ok. by fucking hell or high water, i’m going to be ok. get well or die trying, motherfucker.
I'm carving a path to some kind of life I can tolerate, it’s taking a long time and spilling a lot of blood, but I believe that it’s going somewhere.
