I don’t know what happened, but i have come into some kind of mental and emotional state of acceptance and gratitude. i was walking down the street yesterday, on my way to the phone repair shop (i had to get a new phone, in the end), and everything was very ok. everything is very ok right now, too.
maybe it’s because of the work i’ve been doing on my thinking, and the idea of reframing my thoughts, maybe it’s the Zyprexa. Who cares what it is.
I know that i’m quick to write about depression, so I have come to report what seems like some balance in my head.
Yes, I was writing about the big sad just the other day, which might lead any regular reader to say “what a moody fuck!” to which I would reply “yes, precisely”. I have a mood disorder, if you think it’s a bit much from where you’re sitting, Imagine riding around in this fucking thing (my brain).
I would not take my positive feelings as hypo manic, because my thoughts aren’t moving faster than I can handle, just a manageable pace.
It feels a lot like I’m getting the benefit of a meditation regimen. Without the actual Act of meditation. I just listen to Ram Dass and Alan Watts when i’m trying to fall asleep. I can get with a lot of what they are about.
And so, I accept my situation, with all of it’s annoying realities and limitations. I have no expectations of or attachments to any outcomes.
Here’s the real beauty, though: I accept myself today, right now at this present moment. I think it’s worth acknowledging, for someone who can’t stand themselves by default.
I fully believe that there is some benevolent Force at play in my life. It’s an idea I’ve been knocking around for years. It protects me, and provides me. I will just give a very simple example so that I don’t have to go too deep. I am worried Ralph Lauren cheetah print sneakers, silk vintage pants, A Grateful Dead shirt, and an Adidas track jacket. I have a whole look going on, and all of the articles of clothing were given to me by various people whom I barely know. That’s a very simple and tangible bit of evidence to support my claim.
🙏Listen here’s one thing that is a bit stressful: I have no money. So, I must do a little digital panhandling, and provide my coffee link https://ko-fi.com/evr0ck17
