“bruh, I feel like shit, dead ass” — Ev R0ck (Translated to New York City dialect).
I do, but that’s not what i’m going to write about (not that I have any idea what i’m going to write about). I’ll take a quick little spin through self pity though, so humor me: last night I was supposed to go to a show with my friends from New Jersey, but I just couldn’t because I didn’t have the energy. I never have energy, and it actually pisses me off. I just let out random roars about it, or say something like “son of a cunt motherfucker” out loud.
Do not fear, i’ve got doctors appointments and we are going to get to the bottom of that shit.
Anyway…
I was making little Instagram reels from weird musical stuff I have in my phone today, and I liked them. I had this thought, that was something like “wow, the world is very suck, but at least we have all of these incredible tools to express ourselves.” If you think about it, the kinds of things I can do every day, without anyone else’s help and very limited equipment were impossible even 5 years ago. if you look back even further, you needed someone at a record company, or film studio to like what you did so that they could bankroll it and release it to a wide audience. Luckily, those people are becoming irrelevant.
I know how bad shit is in the world but i’m trying to raise the idea of a positive point: democratized creativity. Accessible tools, and accessible distribution of creative ideas… marvelous.
Beyond feeling shitty, I've been extra poor, because A) I don’t have a job and B) I probably could have skipped that trip to the zoo. I realized something else though, I don’t even care. Sure, it sucks at certain times of the month when, for instance, I have to eat struggle meals (ramen, red beans and rice, pasta with butter and salt). A few years ago, I figured out that I'm what you’d call “the creative type”, or dare I say “an artist”. The process of being creative does more for me than money ever did, I've had jobs and money, I was still eating struggle meals, and I was all kinds of stressed out and unfulfilled.
Does that mean that i’ll never get a job? no, of course not. Does it mean that I don’t work? no, of course not, I work on a whole bunch of shit.
what it means, is that (more of the time than before) I don’t feel like a failure based on some number (of dollars) that’s never going to be high enough, no matter how high it gets.
If someone feel some kind of way about how they punch a clock somewhere, and i’m not in that position at the present time for all of the reasons there may be, yet I still live and go to the zoo… that seems like more of a them problem, than a me problem.
they can get fucked, I suppose.
Besides, I’ll bring back one of the great New York lines by one of the great New Yorkers:
“If you go hungry in NYC that means you lazy” -Chessmaster Mike
Go see the shit I work on, it’s on this link:
Oh yes, and I made this song which I think is nice, and also good:
tell me a secret, tell me a little secret
tell me lies
i know that you’ve got yours, i know that you’ve got you and yours
just the same as i’ve got mine
we’ll both be fine, i’m hanging on the line
you could try to calculate coincidence
when you find yourself alone, and all the money’s spent, just another day
with all the choices that you make
but there are the ones that choose you
life moves itself along until it moves you
one day it moves you
one day you can finally breathe
you can finally breathe
and you can’t believe your eyes, one day you can finally see
and it hits you hard, smack in the face
you thank your lucky stars
that all that suffering was grace
and all you had to do was wait
