My moods are like a damn rollercoaster, shifting on a dime, it feels like. Need proof? Look no further than this blog (not that I actually do, you know?). Celebrating beating depression one day, then the next I’m yacking about existential dread to some AI. I guess I could handle being “crazy” if I didn’t know what crazy was, right? This whole self-awareness thing leads to a lot of cringe moments, and blaming alcohol ain’t even an option anymore (got that shot that cancels it out a few weeks back, and even without it, hangovers are pure hell).
Seriously, does everyone watch themselves act like they’re in a movie and just think, “Well, what the fuck?”
It always hits me later, like a ton of bricks. I know better about certain things, yet I still get caught up in them. Like substances, for example — that was a disaster from the get-go, and I started that mess 20 years ago! I keep making the same mistakes, over and over. It’s like I have this weird aversion to things that are actually good for me, like they’re gonna burn me or something.
A few years ago, I decided I wanted people to understand me, so this blog was born. So, reader, I gotta ask: is it fun for me to constantly screw up? Is it like, “Oh, those third-degree chemical burns from huffing air duster and living outside in winter were a blast, I think I’ll have a drink, or maybe some of whatever powder comes my way”? Obviously it isn’t fun, it’s been nearly a decade since then.
I’m a huge logic nerd, and I can be pretty logical about most things. You’d think, logically speaking, my behavior would be way more aligned with living a good life, free of all that harmful stuff. I’m not bad in the brains department, no bragging, but my intelligence isn’t exactly the asset you might think it is.
Okay, I know this isn’t exactly breaking news; I whined about wanting a lobotomy a couple of weeks back. I’ll admit, this post is kinda depressing… sorry about that, bro. It’s a rainy day, and I’m flat broke. Luckily, I stocked up on food last week, so at least my stomach’s happy for now.
On a brighter note, I have a job interview tomorrow on Zoom for the agency that runs the homeless shelters in Queens. I think I’m uniquely qualified for this position, considering my history with the system, and I’m usually pretty good at interviews.
Imagine that, starting the week broke and feeling like crap, and ending it with a job. That might just turn my frown upside down. You never know what life throws your way, right?
did you know that it is a great day to buy me a coffee? https://ko-fi.com/evr0ck17
