i’d like to do some writing today, it’s all gloomy out and I have to pinch every penny I have, so no excursions to Manhattan or anything. I also feel like there are beliefs I hold that need to be challenged, and i’m currently between therapists. lucky you…internet, you get my thoughts and feelings, today. also, when I put out good work I feel good about myself, and I would like to feel good about myself if I can.
I am so fucked up.
not like “i’m fucked up on drug x right now”, just my whole perception of life is twisted, the way I look at myself is all kinds of fucked up. I have profoundly low self esteem, and I feel like everyone hates me. which is crazy because I've always gone through life being able to get along with pretty much everyone. my mother referred to me as “the mayor” of the little Massachusetts town where I spent my childhood and adolescence, because I would see friends literally everywhere we’d go. why does my brain invent this narrative that no one can stand me? it isn’t like I wasn’t raised in a loving home, or that we were verbally abused. my parents were pretty young to have my brother and I (my sister came later) , but I would 100% say that they did the best they could with what they knew.
I wonder if it’s even worthwhile to sit around and try to figure out why I hate myself so much, or if the real work is figuring out how to love and accept myself. i’ve conducted myself in very self destructive ways just because I don’t feel worthy of good things in life, I want to cut that shit out. it’s just this circle: have low self esteem, move like you don’t deserve any good things, then feel ashamed of how you behaved.
I have written posts about not stigmatizing mental illness and addiction, but have I actually internalized the acceptance of these parts of myself or in others? it’s not my fault I have a mood disorder, and of course I do, you should see my family tree’s history of mental illness. I just wonder where the bi-polar ends, and the selfish, self absorbed asshole begins. I have never wanted to hurt anyone intentionally, yet I have hurt people horribly. pile that guilt on top of the already burning toxic shame.
I could never stand people bragging about things, and it’s very unnatural for me but I need to say some good things about myself right now. self acceptance takes work, and I always hear about positive affirmations being helpful, so please join me in affirming my existence. the rule is I can’t say anything disparaging about myself for a whole paragraph.
I am pretty far from stupid. I don’t know what my IQ is, but it’s up there. people told me this my whole childhood. since i’m smart I have a very highly tuned bullshit detector, and I absolutely will not suffer anything that I can tell is inauthentic. the societal pageantry of life’s small talk just irritates me endlessly. this ties into the one thing that I think I can do moderately well, as far as talents go: i can write. if there’s something I want to communicate, I can pull it off through writing with what feels like very little effort. since I can write well, I use it to be as authentic as I can. I want to point out the elephants in the rooms of life, so that someone else might see the things that they struggle with in my writing. this is my art form, this is how I express myself, and thank god as I think it has saved my life more than once. i’d be willing to bet that a lot of folks wouldn’t have the balls to let it out like I do, but I wan’t to be loved for who I am, not who I pretend to be so it fits my personality to say the things that most people would obscure.
this society is all people presenting what they want the world to see to their social media personas, and it’s very believable, fuck, even I fall for it, and it feels like everyone else knows how to inhabit this life, and I missed the day when the directions were distributed. In reality, everyone struggles and I wan’t to acknowledge that. i’m just trying to get a grip on the realities of life, through putting them on screen in front of me.
I am full of love, deserving of love and deserving of happiness. I am not trash, I am a human inside of the human condition.
listen, I am so fucking poor and my phone is going to be shut off in 5 days, please consider helping me out on this site: ko-fi.com/evr0ck17
