I can Never Go Numb

I would like to go many places today with this, but first I’ve got to preface the whole thing by saying that my life is a gift, I imagine yours is too…even if you don’t yet know it. Not just a gift to us but to those who we come into contact with, even if just briefly.

I know this, and I’m working on remaining cognizant of it as much as i possibly can. I get driven to distraction by stress, though…it’s a major issue for me for…too long, it’s been too much for too long.

I’m at the library because of my computers state of disrepair, all of my musical instruments are in a similar state of disrepair, and i cant keep a working pair of headphones for more than 9 days in a row. These are all thing that could be alleviated by money, of which i have little to none, at any given time. Yes, I am writing this now, and i walked over here completely raw dogging the real world without headphones, i hate that, i don’t even go to the kitchen without them.

The mental space that this kind of stuff brings me to, is the reason i saw it as a priority to come down here and write. I stopped thinking 2 paragraphs ago.

so now that i’m not thinking i can tell you what i’ve been thinking: the world needs people like me now more than ever. Not just me but people who’s minds are like mine: the ADHD/Autistic folks with all that good pattern recognition and sense of logic and justice.

My story is that i was a a+ student, gifted blah blah blah all that stuff. it had to have been one day in my adolescence, something took all the buffer off of my perception of the societal systems and basic way of the world and i could see that it was all a complete farce, and not even well veiled. I couldn’t stomach doing the mental gymnastics to give myself to whatever this “american dream” thing was. I didn’t know it was capitalism at the time, but i did know it was bullshit. i still can’t, i’ve played ball for short stretches of time, but i never longingly look back to the days of retail work. even when i’m hungry, to be honest with you. this is why i’m poor: i cant play ball, i used to wish i could…even when i’m hungry i don’t wish i could.

so…now, with the empire collapsing and the late stage of capitalism, it seems like everyone else is arriving at this point i reached with marilyn manson in my discman on my headphones in middle school.

i need to stop here in italics: I EVEN HAD HEADPHONES WHEN I WAS 12 YEARS OLD.

I want to be like: Hey! welcome, we’ve got to figure something out because trust me: the sting of knowing this whole thing is a charade doesn’t go away. I’m a deeply fucked up person from this, and i don’t even have headphones or musical instruments to deal with it, now. thank god i can sing, or come to the library to do this.

It has so much to do with Gaza, and anyone with eyes who’s ears are only getting the side of the story that they are supposed to get from the 3–5 corporations that own the media. This is why they wanted to ban TikTok, it circumvented their narrative.

I am working tirelessly on myself in many ways, because i’ve been through things that no one even knows about, forget about the almost 900 posts about the really fucked up shit that are on this blog. I have made progress with barriers in my processing and moving through life that only i understood, and no one else needs to. I have a ways to go, but the last year has been the most productive in that sense that i’ve ever had.

I don’t beat myself up about being maladjusted to a sick society. It’s taken half of the anguish out. Of course i’m stressed out, i go broke on my 3 dollar breakfast every day if i’m lucky. Of course i’m stressed out, i have enough balls and not enough privilege to bury my head in the sand about literal nazi takeover of my country, and how many millions of people enabled this to accelerate this descent.

I don’t care if my anger is unattractive to you. This shows me that you lack compassion, not just for me but for all the reasons that any reasonably empathetic person would be just as angry as me.

There’s a line the Chicago MC Common:

“it’s a cold world but i can never go numb”

That’s it, man. Those are my people, the people that got the shit beat out of them in whichever way they did and it didn’t shut them down to being good to others.

Compassion This is the social currency that’s going to get us past all of this bullshit. I want to shut down to everyone all of the time, and i might take a day wallowing in sorrow (this path is nonlinear).

I extend no compassion, and there should be no quarter for fascists though, they made that choice to play that game they get those prizes if you don’t know which prizes ask charlie kirk

I don’t care if i make new friends or offend anyone, their outrage shows me who they are and i’ve no need for anyone like that, and neither do you.

I’m open about how hard things have been in social mwn public forums full of people from all times in my life and i have no expectations of help, but i face shame and judgement for trying to survive. these are the same people who suddenly see no place for political violence in this country. make no mistake: these people and their HOA might not gas homeless people , but they’d certainly help them get on the trains.

my allotted computer time is up.