I’m going to take a stab at writing this afternoon, I haven’t really felt like it for a couple of days, but I remember numerous times when it did something for me that felt meaningful and worthwhile. It’s not as common for anything to feel meaningful and worthwhile as you might think, so I think it’s a good idea to peruse something that does.
I've taken some knocks recently, and there are literal abrasions that still sting. beyond the physical pain, i’m sitting with some very uncomfortable emotions. Physical pain is one thing, I can usually tolerate getting hurt without much trouble. It’s these feelings that I have the hardest time with.
I have gone to the most extreme lengths to avoid feeling anything. I don’t have the energy to list them all, but if you are curious there’s a solid 3 years of stories on this blog that would be quite sufficient proof of what i’m willing to do to escape uncomfortable emotions.
so, what is it now?
Well, the events of the last week or so presented me with the fact that I really don’t know a thing about how to live. It sucks, I fucking hate it. especially since I spent a fair amount of time under the impression that I did. I was actually patting myself on the back for making some progress.
I should not completely disregard all of the positive things that happened over the last few years. i’m in a much better place in a lot of ways. there might be a time in the future when I can give myself credit for some of it, that time isn’t right now.
I’m fucking crazy. Crazier than I thought I was, even.
It boggles my mind how close I've been getting to doing the kinds of things that I know will destroy any progress I might have made. I’m a lot of bad things, but stupid isn’t one of them… why would I make such stupid choices?
there’s good news, though. I have stopped in my tracks on the way to do horribly damaging things. Yesterday, I realized that i definitely have to take medication for bi-polar disorder, and it doesn’t matter how much I like that fact. I went down to rite aid, and picked them up.
i’m not going to say it for certain, but i’m closer than I've been for a very long time to going to 12 step meetings again, which is something I definitively don’t like. I could write a fucking book on how much I don’t like it, actually.
it just seems completely irrelevant how much I like the things that I’ve got to do to deal with conditions I have.
is it fair? fuck no. am I pissed off? yes, totally livid. Whatever, i’d rather be pissed off than dead.
My current state has me smoking cigarettes at a much higher rate, and eating little treats. If you’d like to contribute to my nicotine/ sugar comfort seeking:
