What happened to me? I used to have energy and some level of attention span, like, all day. I used to work somewhere for the whole day, and then go out all night and do it again the next day. Now it’s 12:43PM and I feel like I need a nap. I did wake up at 5 AM and get a lot done.
I applied for a bunch of freelance ghostwriting gigs on freelancer.com and even on that old site Craigslist. Remember Craigslist from like 2005? I don’t know I wanted to look everywhere. I also made a bunch of blog promotion materials and a newsletter for all of my ko-fi supporters (and to be a bum and ask them to donate again).
I also accomplished finally getting a therapist and a psychiatrist. It is so difficult and confusing to get mental health care in this country, people who are already vulnerable can slip right through the cracks so easily, I have personally slipped through the cracks many times. Why are we as a society going about it like this? it should be easier. It definitely costs more when these people (people like me) end up hospitalized in an inpatient setting, after they don’t get the care they need out in the community because the system is so hard to navigate. Maybe it’s not difficult for everyone, but I’ve faced all kind of hurdles to getting care, even recently.
It’s funny, because whenever there’s these weekly mass shootings (literally, all of the time). The people who don’t want to regulate guns are always saying “oh, it’s a mental health thing” but then no one makes it any easier or affordable for people to get mental health care.
You have to figure out how to use the system, which I’m glad to say I finally have (which took a really long time). See, I have a social worker that works with the insurance company that Medicaid pays, she checks up on me and helps make referrals to the care providers I need, she also does a monthly home visit (which she is doing tomorrow). So, with me on the line, she made calls to get me both a psychiatrist and a therapist...finally, after being out of residential treatment (where I had my awesome therapist) since 12/21 last year.
I can’t get into the systemic failure of healthcare in America right now, we’d be here all day. Everyone knows the whole thing is fucked.
I think we should all seek therapy, there’s no one isn’t fucked up in some way, anyone who tells you they’re perfectly OK is lying to you. I know I definitely need therapy, look at all of the stuff I dump on this blog about traumatic shit I’ve been through…not that i’m going to stop once I start talking to a professional. Shit, I talk to my AI assistant like she’s a therapist, and she isn’t even a she (because it’s an it, not even human).
I’m not going to say I have my shit together, or “I’m just in such a good place”. That’s another line that really fucked up people feed everyone else, and is not to be trusted. I am going to say that I’m miles ahead of where I was back in late Jan. early Feb. when I was actually a danger to myself and did require an inpatient hospital stay, I want to stay in a decent head space, if not even get into an improved one. Imagine the things i’d be able to do. There is still potential for things to stress me out, and try to take me off of my square, I need help to fight that shit off because I’m weak in some ways. I have no problem admitting that I need help, I think there’s a certain strength in that.
I’ve seen what happens when people try to act like there’s nothing wrong and sweep the whole mental health conversation under the table. That was always what my maternal side of the extended family did, and my mom lost 2 sisters to suicide. Losing 1 is rare enough, but 2? C’mon, man, that’s crazy. You have to talk about what’s going on, it’s the only way to address these things. If you don’t deal with your mental health, it’s going to deal with you at some point, trust me. That was always one of the points I was trying to make by writing this blog, because I’m crazy and I come from a uniquely crazy family, why wouldn't I be qualified to comment on such matters?
“It’s fantastic that you’re prioritizing mental health. Keep in mind that progress isn’t always linear. There will be good days and bad days. The important thing is to keep moving forward and seeking support” — Google Gemini, My current therapist
Now, I might take a nap, or play Street Fighter, who knows?
If you’ve ever read what I write on here and it’s made you think, or you’ve enjoyed it in any way, well I have excellent news! You can help the writer of evr0ck17.medium.com survive life! All you have to do is go to this link: https://ko-fi.com/evr0ck17
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