I now have Mondays and Tuesdays off. Wouldn’t it be nice if I used those days to write? It’s not like it works like that for me, where I can just set out to write at a scheduled time and expect something to come out. But I’d hate to waste all of my free time without writing. I do a lot of thinking, as we all do, and if you’re able to think less, please instruct me in your ways (though I probably won’t listen, feel free to go for it). It’s become a pipeline, you know: I think about many things, and some of them get typed into this browser window, often getting posted.
Today isn’t a particularly notable date or anything, but it’s close to a year since I last got off the street from my most recent addiction-fueled downward spiral. I hope it’s my last, though it might not be. I’m not going to go on about being a year sober or anything like that because that’s not what I’m interested in discussing. The way I think about it is different now than before. After all, I am prescribed Ritalin, which is a controlled stimulant. The former purist in me won’t allow me to do some kind of church basement, 12-step, “hey, I did it and you can too” type of thing about my recovery. It’s been done, there are church basements in your hometown where you can get that, no matter where you live, and literally millions of recorded speeches like that on xaspeakers.org. I’m not knocking it, I just don’t want to adopt someone else’s experience. Mine is quite enough for me to handle and describe.
I’m always wondering if I have changed or gained anything in the past year that might safeguard me from going off the rails, from sleeping on cardboard piles on sidewalks all over New York, or from further suffering at the levels I’ve experienced while trying to get and stay high, or even from death. Honestly, the problem is that addiction never kills me, or it takes too long to do its job. It’s not the dying that I really worry about as much as the living. This time last year, I was actively working to overdose on fentanyl, only to be revived with Narcan every single time. I couldn’t even check out when I most needed and wanted to, so I decided to try to make life a bit less excruciatingly painful, if possible.
This brings me to a thought I had the other day. If you’ve been reading for a while, you might remember me mentioning that someone asked me in the spring what I liked about myself, and I was stumped by the question. If any of the positive things I say about myself come off as bragging or some kind of flex, trust me, they aren’t. I still have terminally low self-esteem. I don’t know why, nor do I have the desire, time, or energy to get to the bottom of it in writing at this time. It’s not bragging, it’s affirmation.
As I was stressing out about things going forward (as is normal for all things, ever), I realized something about myself. I have the ability to endear people to me to a point where they go out of their way to help me. I think this is charisma, but this isn’t a dictionary; this is a blog. I think that I am a charismatic individual. That is a good quality to have, and it’s not normal for me to see good qualities in myself, therefore I found this thought to be worth mentioning. Of course, there is a downside to this quality (being manipulative), but I’m not getting into that. Positive vibes for tonight.
There are people in positions to help me navigate upcoming changes who have developed a strong affinity for me over the last ten or so months. I could probably worry less and have a little more faith in that. That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t take any actions; it just means I shouldn’t get so stressed out once I have taken all the actions I can. It’s a waste of energy to continue worrying. This is a really great concept, and if I ever figure out how to put it into practice, I’ll be sure to let you know.
So, if I have made any changes since August 15th of last year, it’s definitely having better self-esteem to the point where I’d go and call myself charismatic in public spaces like this very blog. I’m not saying I have great self-esteem now and I’m over that little addiction phase (which is more than half of my life); I’m just saying the needle has moved in the right direction. I’m less likely to burn my life to the ground if I care about myself.
There is another thought I’ve had, and I’ve written about it before, which is the concept of being somehow protected by something, let’s call it the universe. I mean, “God” is a shorter word, but I just can’t with that. This thing that protects me has given me this quality that makes others protect me. When I say it like this, it almost looks like faith in something greater than me, but I don’t know.
