I attempted to get my laptop repaired yesterday, but it’s not possible. So, I’ll be doing my blogging from this public computer until I figure out a way to get another laptop. I actually have faith that it’ll come to me somehow. If I look at my track record for things I need being provided to me by the universe, it’s overwhelmingly good.
I feel bad that I panicked and asked everyone I knew to let me borrow $150 to replace it the other day. I know that’s a lot to ask around this time of year, and there are plenty of reasons not to want to give me money, given my history of drug abuse. I do have a check coming to me when I leave this program for supportive housing. I’ll use some of it to buy a computer, and I won’t die if I have to do some of my writing from this desk here in the rehab lounge until then. It’s just that being patient and taking no for an answer were never my strong suits. So, if you received any kind of request to borrow money on Sunday, sorry about that.
My last post was about wanting to stay up all night because I felt good and wanted to write. Let me just tell you that I definitely felt that the next day and ended up asleep by 6 pm last night. Who knows why I forget how much sleep I require to be operational as a human and why I’ve got to learn that the hard way every time. It isn’t rocket science.
And now, I am fairly well-rested and balanced. Financially, things are very poor, but I’m not going to starve. If there is one thing that I could learn that would benefit me the most, I think it’s patience. I’m a drug addict of the most severe variety, I have bipolar disorder and ADHD, plus I’m a product of the internet. There’s the requirement for instant gratification coming out of all corners of both my wiring and the world I inhabit. I was talking to someone the other day, and at the end of it, he said, ‘You know what’s best for you.’ No, I don’t. I know what I want right now, and I have a really hard time seeing beyond that. I want to feel good, and I never want to feel bad. I think I’ve slowed down and grown over the last few years, but I still catch myself in that kind of ‘I want what I want, right now’ type of behavior, usually after the fact. It makes me cringe and apologize to those who were on the business end of it.
Just because I have these less-than-desirable personality traits doesn’t mean they are set in stone and can’t be worked on. I think I am working on them. I want a participation trophy for being in the ‘not being an asshole’ game. It would be preferable to stop the things I have to apologize for later before they happen, but baby steps, baby steps, baby.
The character defects are all I see when I make an appraisal of myself, but that’s the other thing I could stand to work on. There are a whole bunch of folks who can see the assets more than the deficiencies, and I ought to consider their opinion before I beat myself up, like I always do.
I’m in no position to omit the usual “hey now, you can buy me a coffee” link, seriously.
