So, I’ve been reading people’s “sober journey” type stories on medium which makes me consider what mine is, was, and will be. Hopefully I’m not being a douchebag. if i am: ev.penk7@gmail.com
I really would like to stay sober. Not only do I need to, I want to. One time I did it for four years and life was good. I had all this stuff like a job, a place to live, a checking account, toys (PlayStations, Xboxes, switches), a girlfriend (not for the whole time, but still, no regrets about the time I did)… all this really good stuff. I was regularly seeing all kinds of live music (which is very good for anyone) 2014–2018, all on the Jersey Shore (not the one from mtv, the one from the first Springsteen album).
All the stuff is really nothing compared to being present, available, and helpful to my loved ones.
I haven’t been able to really get back there in any sense, I put a year together in 2020–2021 but not by working the 12 steps, or any kind of spiritual development. It’s like holding your breath, I think, when you do that, you’re going to need to inhale eventually . Trust me, I would love to find some other way to stay sober besides AA, I just never have.
During the 4 years sober I would say I was a pretty devout 12 stepper for 3 years of it. I did what I was supposed to do, I swear. To some degree I was going through the motions (especially surrounding prayer), but it was working. As I got comfortable in sober life, I fell off very slowly but very surely, maybe one little thing at a time. After the protections of the group, the practices and rituals all fell away, addiction found a way to pick me off again. I got all pissy about not getting what I wanted at work, so I quit my job, I wasn’t getting what (well, who, really is a better word) romantically, I got pissy about that. Petulant man baby that I was when I stopped considering how blessed I was regularly.
I thought about smoking weed for a while, and tricked myself into thinking that it would be harmless. I think I took one hit of someone’s vape pen at one of the Grateful Dead cover band shows in Asbury Park I was frequenting, it was actually damn near the date of my fourth year sober 4/11/2018. I swear to god it was under a month between taking one hit and being passed out, homeless behind a dumpster in Jamaica, Queens. That quick, everything was gone. It’s just gotten worse ever since, worse than I could have ever Imagined.
See: the trap door in the basement:
So, I’m thinking about what I didn’t do before (like exercise on purpose, ever). I try to at least entertain the seeking of spiritual meaning through listening to YouTube talks by people like Ram Dass, Alan Watts and Eckhart Tolle (hey, it’s a start and there are a lot) and I’ve alluded to the upcoming opportunity to explore yoga (in previous posts) . isn’t that exercise and spiritual development? Ok there’s two birds, one stone. I need to shut the fuck up and listen more. I need to stay in touch with how blessed and protected by angels I have been (I’ve nearly died at least twice this year alone) . I have to accept no for an answer, when no is the answer (and I’m really looking for a yes).
It really doesn’t matter what I say or write, it’s going to matter what I do…especially when I don’t want to. I’m holding on, I think of quitting every day when I’m not getting what I want when I want it. I’m all moody, impatient and irritated. Fuck!
I would really like to stay sober. one day at at a time (today, being the one I’m working on at the moment).
