(chronologically after The Charmin Panic)
I don’t know how many days I kept going to work at shop rite as the pandemic was breaking out, I know it wasn’t many. Every day I would wake up in the sober house I lived in and watch things unfold on CNN until it was time to take the 2 busses i needed to take to get to work.
I know it was within the first week when I had the worst anxiety attack that I’ve ever had (so far). One of the mental illnesses I’m diagnosed with (and treated for) makes me prone to the occasional anxiety event. I just happened to have the most severe one on my cash register in the middle of the panic buying crowd at shop rite. I didn’t report to my job again. My psychiatrist wrote me a note to get out of going, but that didn’t pay the bills. It didn’t really matter anyway because it wasn’t long before I didn’t have any bills to pay anyway.
I was unhappy before covid, there were things going on with mental illness in me, and a close family member. I’m the kind of person (see: drug addict, alcoholic) who absolutely needs to be sober, and I was hanging on to that by a thread for months prior to this massive anxiety attack. The thread broke: I started using whatever I could use to feel anything but how I was feeling. Sober houses dont appreciate the people that live in them getting high… so they threw me out pretty quickly (i’m not good at keeping it a secret when i start using). So I was homeless.
People always ask me in casual conversation why I moved to New york. I’m going to have to come up with something other than the real reason, if i’m at some professional networking function, or a first date or something. Since i’m not trying to become employed by or fuck this blog ill put it here.
You can’t be homeless in suburban New Jersey, it’s basically illegal, I’ve been charged with panhandling misdemeanors before so i know. If you end up homeless in any suburban area, it is my recommendation that you go to your nearest metropolitan area if you want to have any chance of survival (outside of a county jail), for me the nearest city was also the center of america’s covid situation, but i didn’t really care. I was getting tons of texts advising me against it as I sat on the train, I didn’t listen to anyone. Anyone who knows me, knows that I overshare on my instagram story constantly, and the events of my predicament at this time were no different.
When I got there, I realized that it was basically a lawless ghost town. Places that were usually very populated, policed and tourist friendly were basically open air drug markets. While it was a times, very scary, I was certainly in the market for as many drugs as I could get my hands on. I took all kinds of drugs, and drank all kinds of alcohol with the crazies who were inhabiting the streets of midtown manhattan, and i still had my phone so i was filming it into instagram. Everyone that had a home, was doing their civic duty of staying in it. The only people left out were the kind of people you see yelling at themselves on a usual day in Manhattan, and I was among them.
So I’ll save the crazier stuff for another time. I did eventually lose my phone, and was unable to document the degradation of myself and new york city. Before I lost it I did capture myself bleeding profusely from the head, I’m sure I feel that’s what I tend to do.
When I reactivated my account on a new phone, months later after a lengthy hospital stay, there were all these disapproving messages. I had lost some friends over the carnage that I had been putting out there. I have come to a realization about what social media is to me.
So anyone who thought it was disgusting or abhorrent: fuck you, you don't have to pay attention to it. i’m sorry it's not the usual saccharin bullshit you log in for.
The great brooklyn poet jay-z has the line “if you don’t like my lyrics you can press fast forward”. It isn’t anyone’s self expression but mine. That’s what social media is for me, it’s a story, and it’s mine. While for many people it’s a highlight reel of weddings, and yoga classes, and throwback Thursday or whatever: it is my intention to express my whole experience as I see it. I will give anyone an article on how to unfollow people, there are plenty of people that I used to follow that I no longer do.
It isn't like i know how to play musical instruments, or paint or write with any degree of skill. that's the canvas i have, thats what im working with for getting things out.
A year later, when the memory popped up, I discovered a very curious thing: the blood and guts of it had more traffic and views than anything I had ever shared (still). More views than any of the celebrations and the good times that had happened, and I could see who the viewers were. A lot of them were those who would talk the loudest about being spiritually fit, and being committed to the service of others in the 12 step community which I had spent a lot of time in. Some of them did reach out to me, but the majority just slowed down as they passed by the car wreck that was my life at the time. I found this interesting. I don’t blame humans for human nature, but i do also know my way to the unfollow button (wherever it is, in whatever setting). I’m not angry about it all, i just know what (and who) not to pay attention to.
as long as it takes me to tell the story of 2020, please know that it has ended up way better, over here in 2021, there are of course challenges, but its 47 trillion times better.
If you need help finding the unfollow or mute functions of instagram and life please feel free to drop me a line ev.penk7@gmail.com
If you need help supporting self expression on the internet: https://www.buymeacoffee.com/Evr0ck17
