Heavenly God, man. I woke up at 6 this morning, and got to thinking about music (because all I think about is music). I am pretty sure all of this software I use to make it is giving me a bit of a grip on music theory in some weird backwards way. I have never been trained in any kind of music, except for like 3 piano lessons in a residential drug program before deciding i’d rather just sing.
Just singing went really well, though I ended up being in a film about it ny a filmaking musical therapist pianist who recently said the film isn't done, and it’s going to get footage of me in my little working environment here in queens, where I do my little musical projects on my very humble equipment with all of my limitations. The whole thing changed the way I look at life, and myself. I realized that i’m an artist. I don't know if that sounds pompous or grandiose, but it’s nice to have a definitive classification for what I am: the creative type. I can lean into it, and I do…obviously i’m writing about how I obsessively worked on improving a song I had written.
I’m quite sure that the only reason that my skeptical ass can wrap my head around a divine power existing that's bigger than anything I could possibly understand is because of the ways that I experience and understand music and by association all manifestations of artistic self expression.
I’ve said this before but it bears repeating: if you’ve got music in you its going to find it’s way out no matter what, it has to. Once I started making music it was like I had emerged from being under water, unable to breathe.
I may not have any training, but I have an ear. I don’t think you can learn that. Making music seems natural, but I notice my limitations often. I work within them, meanwhile trying to learn more in my own weird fashion. If I could go back in time i’d have started taking piano lessons very early. The problem is that my small motor skills have always been lacking, my hands literally don’t work, it’s one of the reasons I had trouble in school. There were always guitars around but I couldn't manage the fretboard.
I think I posess some kind of musical aptitude despite my shortcomings and lack of training. It doesn't matter if I do, I like making music more than I like doing pretty much everything else. Its so rewarding in that the more I do it, the better I get at it, the better it feels
I was listening to some of the music I recorded back then, and thought “hey I know more about how to do this now than I did when I made that” so I thought i’d rework one of the better songs with lyrics that I’ve ever written.
For maybe the first 15 years of making music on everything from a playstation to a MacBook, I never wrote lyrics, I only made instrumental music. I was too afraid to commit to saying something. It’s very strange, because I used to win poetry awards when I was a kid, and all of my poems are structured like songs (always were). I have no clue why I didn’t put things together. I don’t remember when, but eventually I did.
The whole thing about sharing music i’ve written with lyrics still gives me stage fright. For some reason it seems extra personal, and I always feel very corny. Imagine, me who writes everything on the internet almost daily thinking something is too personal.
I don’t have any to share today with this post, though. I’ll say this, I started working on this track around 9:30, and I swear to God the next thing I know I looked up and it was 4PM. Being that I have an old android phone that I record on there was a latency delay issue on the vocal take I had done…just like a millisecond delay off of the beat, unacceptable. I need better tech, but anyway the vocals needed to be re-recorded, and I realized my ADHD hyperfocus had died off and it felt like I was hit by a tranquilizer dart.
In the midst of my obsession with rerecording and rearranging this track, the good human Nate who I have referenced on this blog in a post entitled “Good Human Nate” actually bought and sent me tickets to see my guitar hero J. Mascis (of Dinosur Jr.) in November which is absolutely amazing, because I haven’t seen a show since just prior to the whole COVID apocalypse thing. When I lived on the Jersey Shore next to Asbury Park, i’d see at least one night of live music every week, and I was more spiritually fit as a result of it. I’m sure to sob uncontrollably at this show out of supreme joy and gratitude, I cant wait. Funny, I was just writing about J. the other day. I don’t believe in manifestation of things because it ignores too many factual systemic issues… Perhaps sending something out into the universe pays dividends. It wasn't manifestation, Nate is just a solid motherfucker who I got hip to Dinosaur, and J. because i try to make everyone listen to that music, what with it being my favorite and all.
So, I think i’ll have some ice cream, and maybe get off to bed kind of early tonight. I meant to get to sleep early last night but, again I was messing around with the effects of tone on Virtual instruments on band lab, and I was up until 1 am. I’ll go a little deep cut nerd for a second but I figured out how to emulate the Leslie revolving speaker, so i’m making all of these magnificent virtual distortion pedals and hoarding them for later use.
I have a big week, with a Psychiatry appointment where I'll be telling a psychiatrist that clandestine street psychedelics did more for my depression than 20 years of a whole rainbow of pharmaceuticals. Oh yeah, and a job interview… Imagine that. if I get a job, i’ll get better tech, and make better music. I’m sending the energy of becoming employed out into the universe right now, let’s hope it comes back. I can’t imagine that I wouldn't be able to land a gig as a cashier, I mean i’ve been in retail my entire adult life and I still remember a bunch of the codes you type in to ring out produce… I might just waltz in there like I own that bitch, not in an asshole way but a confident way.
I haven't yet landed the job, however so I must do the thing where I remind you that you can help the cause with a small donation to this little website: https://ko-fi.com/evr0ck17
