So, this thing happened — I got invited to a birthday party. Normally, this would be cause for celebration, but not for me. See, I have social anxiety, and on top of that, I’m an alcoholic. I couldn’t tell the truth to the people who invited me, so I went anyway. As you might have guessed, it didn’t go well. I drank too much, probably embarrassed myself, and acted like a jerk.
Classic me, right?
I already wrote that, though. I’m not trying to be redundant.
I’m trying my hardest not to let this one mistake spiral out of control, but it’s not easy. My world feels like it is already falling apart because the bi-weekly check I rely on is missing, and I can’t find any help to get it reissued. My phone bill is due tomorrow, and I can’t pay it. So, It will look like I’ve gone off the rails again, right when my loved ones are already worried about me. Life just keeps throwing me these curveballs.
Alcohol is a terrible cunt, 4 days later I am feeling its repercussions emotionally. I just keep beating myself up about being a drunk, being poor, looking like Chewbacca, and whatever else I can think of that I am and wish I wasn’t.
I’m so angry with myself, and I’m taking it out on everybody else, and then I get angrier with myself for taking it out on everyone else. I’m a grumpy old curmudgeon at 38. I spent the day at the social services offices trying to track down the money unsuccessfully and got stuck in Queens traffic on a crowded bus on the way home where I had an anxiety attack. I punched the glass door, cracking it. People looked at me in disgust, I was immediately embarrassed.
I’m acting like an angry drunk, sober. I feel as if I have no control over myself. I was mean to my family and friends all day via text. I blocked my mother on everything.
who is this person? how can I get the real me back?
