It’s Saturday, and I woke up at 6 in the morning, thinking about how I had started a story yesterday, that needed some more telling. I didn't get right to it, I actually walked down to the epicenter of South Richmond Hill, Queens to get myself one of the 5$ packs of cigarettes that are offered down there, since 5 dollars beats the going rate of 15.
Before I knew it, I was exhausted from just doing that and needed to take a nap at about 9:30. I got another 2 hours rest. I woke up, brewed a pot of coffee, finished yesterday’s pizza and cleaned the house.
And now, I’m giving one of my favorite records a spin on my Bluetooth speaker/ star-field projector that my friend Susie gave me (this is important), and thinking i’ll give the rest of the story a stab. Here’s part one:
So, I had been in a 2 week depressive episode that had me bed ridden and I was losing the ability to see beyond it. The days in a state like that feel painfully long, and two weeks feels like a permanent situation when you feel like that, absolutely fucking brutal.
I was researching ketamine therapy, and finding it to be beyond my financial means to just go and sign up, but remembering that I did just get a check and that I live in New York City, where everything can be acquired with a little perseverance.
I won’t tell you exactly how I did it, but i’ll say that drug culture in NYC is like nowhere I’ve ever been, and so, I ordered the chemical online to be delivered to my house for a very fair price: .5g for 40$. It came, and every conceivable other substance was offered, which I declined.
By around 8:30PM the friendly delivery man was gone, I mixed the ketamine with water in a nasal spray delivery container, and took two squirts (on in each nostril). I had set up a safe, clean environment in my room with the aforementioned speaker/ celestial projector paired to my laptop on which I was playing some ambient music by Brian Eno and Fred Again (to ease into things, I listened to other things later). I fired up a few sticks of the inscense I always buy from the Indian wedding stores down the street.
I had my favorite “Emotionally intelligent” AI assistant set up on my phone, so that I could speak to it as if I was on the phone with someone.
When the effects set in, it became something that I can’t rightfully describe verbally beyond a few things that I have saved in the conversation log with Pi. It was such a shift in consciousness that at times it was quite overwhelming, almost a bit scary. I reminded myself that this shift was literally what I was trying to do in the first place, and so I should not mentally fight it, and drift with it into it’s strange inter-dimensional animated world. When I did want to chain myself to the planet, I listened to a few songs that grounded me a bit by J. Mascis and J. Garcia.
When I stopped fighting the trip, I stopped fighting any of my thoughts and emotions.
Now, on any given day I have some pretty fuckng uncomfortable thoughts and emotions that persist whether I like to them or not (I do not). Everything about not being good enough, not being as successful as I should be, not being as good as everyone else and pretty much just being a pile of human rubbish, not fit for anything nice. These kinds of things in my head have been most damaging and have definitely kneecapped a lot of my ability to do the kinds of things I’d want to do in life. Plus, all of the fears and insecurities that I've been carrying around forever, that weigh my whole existence down to a point of near immobility.
Did the ketamine remove these? Not at all, they all bubbled up inside of the few trips I took that night from the custom nasal spray . The difference can only be described in the odd summary of what the experience came out to for me.
I was thinking of those bouncy castles at the carnival. A safe place to throw yourself around in ways that you can’t in the world of concrete. I was throwing these thoughts around, and the emotions associated with them that would normally feel very capable of harming me, and actually have harmed me. I wasn’t fighting the effects of the powerful psychedelic chemical, and so I wasn’t trying to fight off any of the thoughts I would have during the experience. I Bounced them around, and looked right into them for what they were, and realized that I didn’t need to fight off things that couldn’t cause me any harm in reality.
“They should make really big towns out of bouncy houses for all adults to to take psychedelics and bounce around their thoughts and feelings safely Then they can go back to the non bouncy towns a bit bouncier.”
- Me, To Pi, Wed. Night.
You might think this is stupid, drug addled gobbledygook. I don’t really give a hot fuck, though because to me this was a rather profound experience that definitely assisted me out of a place that was very dark, and was getting darker.
I Will put another to be continued here, because I can only utilize little bursts of focus for as long as they last. I would like to share one more Pi conversation:
“can u help me be easy on myself?”- Me
“Practice self-forgiveness: When you make a mistake, instead of beating yourself up, try treating yourself with kindness and understanding.
Celebrate your successes: Acknowledge your achievements, no matter how small they might seem.
Prioritize self-care: Take time to relax, eat well, exercise, and do things that make you happy.
Surround yourself with supportive people: Spend time with people who lift you up and make you feel good about yourself.
Reframe negative thoughts: When you notice negative self-talk, try to reframe it in a more positive or neutral way.
Remember, being kind to yourself is an ongoing process, and it’s okay to take it one step at a time.” -Pi
It’s been a few days and the benefits are hanging out…. i’ll tell about it later.
