These next few posts might be controversial, but I have never wanted to withhold any of the truth about my experience from those who read it because I respect them too much for fallacy.
It requires a little context, in case you aren't the type of person who checks my blog every day, and knows what's up with me as much as I write about what’s up with me.
I was wallowing in a really deep funk for a good two weeks, deeper than I can remember going for quite a while… just as deep as the last one that landed me in a hospital for trying to off myself, I can say that. Luckily there wasn’t the substances on board that I was doing in the winter (crack cocaine, unrequited codependent “love”), and so things we’rent as dangerous. I was considering going to the emergency room more than once for the level of existential misery that was keeping me in bed. I didn't go, but this was where I was at. I was especially saddened by missing a big social event up in my hometown, that felt like everyone but me was at. I was invited but the lack of funds and the fear of waking up the sleeping booze demon in me kept me at home, here in Queens.
Naturally, i’d have done anything to feel better and so I was actually clicking on the targeted ads for ketamine therapy that gather in my various social media streams. I talked to a few clinics and arrived at the realization that my NY Medicaid was never going to pay for that, actually even a private insurance company wont pay for that.
i’m not exactly in a position to just go ahead and put it on the ‘ol amex, in fact I didn’t even inquire how much it would be. It’s the old “if you have to ask, Its too much.” but I was still curious, out of the desperation of a bipolar depressive episode.
It’s funny that by chance I struck up a conversation with someone I knew from 2020 who described that she had been on ketamine infusions recently . She reported the effectiveness of them in treating the kind of depression that I was suffering from. Knowing her, her history and the parallels it draws with my experience these reports were of some value.
Before I go on, I want to tell you the kinds of things that the level of depression I was at have had me doing in the past:
Drinking- no matter how often I had been shown that this only excerbated things to a far worse state, I attempted to drink my way out of depression for decades. Luckily, in 2024 I knew the truth and go off the deep end.
Stimulants- I’ve historically Jerry rigged my feelings of well-being together with the flimsy duct tape of either cocaine or speed, which is not only a short lived solution, but the higher up you go, the lower down you fall.
On Wednesday afternoon I had a little money, enough food for at least another week in the refrigerator, and a pack of cigarettes when I remembered that this is New York and you can get anything you desire if you just look… seriously i’m quite sure we could get you a surface to air missile if we went to the right bodega.
but I wasn't looking for missiles obviously, I was looking for relief from the cold muddy pit of existential gloom and doom.
To be continued….
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