Late Stage Addiction and Circles (page 118, spring 2022)

I think I’m in the late stages of a terminal illness, they say addiction guarantees only “jails, institutions and death”, I can check off the first two. This grace that has kept me alive has got to have its limits. Something about my last month using substances felt different, it felt darker, colder and bloodier.

I don’t know that I could’ve kept going, my body was in revolt, eventually one is bound to collapse. I had lost 15 pounds and had developed anemia. It’s probably advisable to listen to your body, but I couldn’t be bothered with all that.

Sitting here about 3 months off of the shit, I believe that it’s possible to arrest the progression of the fatal illness if I can stay mentally connected to what it was like out there.

I pictured an overhead view of My trajectory around Manhattan, a circle from the hospital to the target stores where I stole and huffed the air duster. It was like a big over land hamster wheel that I couldn’t get myself off of.

That’s what active addiction is, literally being trapped in circles. Circles from acquiring the substance to using it, circles in and out of treatment centers, jails and hospitals.

“I don’t need to walk around in circles”

-”circles”, Soul Coughing

I feel fortunate that I was removed from the circles, like I said I’m a late stage addict and I was going to die.

note: in may i went out and fucked up again

Originally published at https://www.tumblr.com.