Leave a Mark
“Lost in March 2”
The last post I wrote mentioned how I wanted to leave a mark that I had been on the planet, and that was always one of the motivations that got me writing this blog, and writing again in general after a long time dormant. When I started almost four years ago, I was way older than I ever thought I’d be. If you consider the ways in which I abused my body with chemicals and the unsafe situations that the whole lifestyle tends to put you in, being 35 was never in the plans. I’m even older now, naturally, which is wild.
“From page one though, I always had this thought, which is kind of dark. I have the most severe brand of alcoholism and chemical dependency disorder that one can have, coupled with the type of bi-polar disorder, that made two of my aunts commit suicide. People lose the fight to these things, every single day, everyone knows that, you could probably name five people that you knew, who aren’t around anymore.
My thought was: if I did lose this life to these things . I wanted to leave some kind of mark on this world, somehow. It’s very morbid, but it’s always been in the back of my mind.” -From “Lost in March” (yesterdays post)
I watch a lot of YouTube and I often end up on recordings of podcasts. There’s a popular one that has good guests, and it happened to be Tom Green. I was always a huge fan of Tom and when a lot of dust settles I hope that he gets all the credit for being the at the forefront of the state of the media landscape, and how different it is from how it was even ten years ago, let alone 20. In the time after he left MTV, there’s a strong case to be made, with publicly available evidence that he invented podcasting, or was at least among the few who first started doing it, likely before it even had the name it has now.
The reason I’m mentioning this is that Tom was talking about how he was able to get his first video camera, and start filming things. He said almost exactly the same thing about wanting to leave some evidence that he had lived, and experience things (and the emotions that came with those experiences).
That to me, just seems like one of those serendipitous moments, that the universe presents you with. I just wrote about that yesterday, and then i’m listening to someone else who lives for self expression and documents their life (albeit in a very different way), who echoed the very same motivation for doing it.
I love instances like that. They may happen more than we know, but I think it’s some kind of frequency or channel that we tune our perception to.
I’ve walked around life for long periods of time in a completely bleak and nihilistic darkness where nothing means anything, and trust me it’s way better if you can walk around and see these little nods that the big thing (the biggest thing) gives you. Whatever that big thing is.
To follow up on the whole shit show of my life that I was writing about yesterday. I’m still hiding out in the middle of nowhere from the situation where I live. It’s literally on the grounds of an abandoned state mental hospital, with all of these empty Gothic stone buildings that nature has reclaimed with vines. It’s weird and creepy, but my little room reminds me of a comfort inn or something.
I found out that the people who were making me not want to be at home are being moved out of there, not just because of me but also due to complaints from the neighbors.
I just have to hold tight for a little while longer. Plus, I should have my new phone by tomorrow.
I also was able to get back on my medication, so my head should be coming back together shortly. It’s not like I’m ever going to be what you'd point to as normal, or even sane, but it’ll be an improvement.
I’m going to have to work on it (myself), though. But, at least some of the things that were making it so difficult were removed. That doesn’t mean it’s suddenly going to be easy to stay sober, and get mentally well.
I’ve been told, by the people who help me from my housing agency that I did the right thing, and handled the situation the right way. That’s hard for me to see (as I was at times intoxicated and crazy) but I am glad that I was able to figure out a way to prevent things from going as badly as they have in the past.
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