Lets Get Out Of The Pit
Of Despair
The pit of despair is always just nearby, in case you need a quick slip into it on a regret (the past), a worry (the future) or maybe just the constant barrage of horrible injustice that’s become the reality in which we operate. We are technologically capable of tuning in, no matter what time it is and no matter our location, Although this has been less true for me in the last ten days or so.
The problem is that our viewing angle of reality is incapable of pulling the zoom back far enough to grasp the whole picture. We think that our micro picture is the entire picture, and we slip into despair.
I do, at least. I’ve never been able to write for your experience, nor have I ever really wanted to. I do think of your experience and view of things, though…which often slips me right into the pit.
I don’t know how many days I spent wallowing in despair but it feels like longer than usual, I’m clawing out though. I’m here at the library typing this, because my new computer needs a new screen, which i cant afford.
let me not slip back, see: all of the things i cant afford will throw me right back into the pit.
sometime early last week, I came down with covid-19…the worst case i’ve ever had, and i think there’s been five since the days of 2020. It’s funny, when i lived on the street during that spring, when this city was the epicenter, I never had it. Almost 6 years later, there it is making parts of my body hurt that I might not have ever been cognizant of.
I unfortunately have to revisit the whole “things i cant afford” theme to continue to paint the picture of what kept me in the pit of despair for such a long time, longer than usual. I try to set aside maybe a number of hours for this wallowing in despair activity, as it’s a natural reaction to…
I mean… look at all of this.
Things I could not afford during my COVID bout (and actually can’t now): my monthly cell phone bill, enough to eat, 2 Tylenol at the bodega, my nicotine habit, transportation to my psychiatrist’s office in Manhattan, the medication for my mood disorder that he prescribed (i don’t know what insurance does or is)…oh yeah and the pile of laundry that is never ever ever good for my mental health. i actually tried to wash it by hand, but did something wrong and ended up making my living space stink horribly,
and now the computer that i do everything on needs a 150$ screen.
It’s bad, and it makes me start to hate everyone that’s living their little cushy life..spending the kind of money on Acai bowls, hulu and fortnite skins that would be a literal life changing sum of money to my empty belly.
i don’t want to hate people. love has always been the source of my resilience, i discussed this with someone some months ago.
if I’m OK, and I’m not scraping in survival modes, i don’t pay as much attention to the complete lack of self awareness and privileged existence of people that i have in some outer social orbit. I don’t lose as many friends by pointing this out to them, and i have lost friends through watching them on social media as i worry about affording my next bagel.
I’m not going to get too specific, they are still cunts, maybe they just don’t need me to tell them. don’t take the word cunt as a strictly female connotation please, I’m thinking of it in the kind of London gangster way, or you can use twat if you prefer.
I’m shrinking my circle. I need social media for my work but i hope everyone never gets where i’ve been, they ain’t built for it.
I’m not in the pit anymore though, or at least closer to the top of it, maybe i’ll be out soon.
I played music the whole time, like 8 hours a day. I rediscovered an old digital audio workstation software that i first discovered in 2022 and its wayyyyyyyy better than bandlab. now i use the 2 in tandem. I have an adapter to plug my midi keyboard controller.
I could not believe my playing. I would have tears running down my face because i would think
“who is that, playing like that? that’s me? yeah right”
I realize now, that music has always kept me out of the pit of despair, even when i was living the kind of life on the street of Boston or New York, in the kind of weather that would keep you from taking the trash out, let alone walk from the Bronx, through Harlem to midtown to sing for change.
Now, the playing of instruments is beginning to catch up with the voice. I have perfect pitch. It’s very exciting. exciting enough to keep me out of the pit of despair while i’m playing. This is why I treat making music like daily meditation.
I want to include some of my recent musical work, and it now has a feature that can help me afford bagels, which i could really use right now…I’m going to see about a book or 2, and get out of the library:
a two song E.P. on Bandcamp. The first half is electronic dance music the second half is s6ong I wrote years ago
here is a link to all my links and I make many things: https://linktr.ee/EvR0cK17
You can help me eat, actually did you know that?
