I was typing something earlier and i don’t remember what it was, but i stopped and I'm not going to pick it back up, I am instead going to type out some of the things i was writing in pen in the composition book I just started writing journal entries in. I have a whole bunch of composition books, this one is labelled “the real notebook” for some reason, I don’t know what it is but anyway:
12/9/29 6:10pm
all of the computers in here are occupied, and these kids have been using them all day to watch dragon ball z, too bad i’m deathly afraid of the hypothetical conflict that could arise from asking them if i could get a turn, as i am adverse to all conflicts, real or hypothetical. it just reminds me that i used to have a computer and now i don’t, which pisses me off. the weekend nurse in this rehab program, Rhonda, actually said she had an extra one for me last weekend, but when she came in today she had forgotten it. i hope she remembers it tomorrow, i didn’t want to push it.
speaking of conflict, i apologized to my roomate for letting it out that he was a racist in a public area in the building a few days ago, even though i’m quite sure he is one given how he talks about the black folks in here, there’s a lot of evidence in our conversations to lead me to this assertion. He didn’t deserve to be put in the spotlight like that though, that caused him harm, and he’s always been good to me, albiet a bit anoying about how disorganized my little zone is. at least things are less tense in room 604, which is good.
i don’t even know what i’m writing, i’m just continuing because i like the feel of this pen.
at the moment i feel very alone, and i can’t look at social media. in times like this, social media makes me feel like everyone has everyone else while i have no one. this seems like a stretch of the imagination though, and a overly dramatic. i certainly cannot be the only person who is lonely tonight.
I get like this, sometimes. the holiday season doesn’t really help, because that’s a big time for people’s Facebook highlight reel. they don’t express the entire experience, just the parts that look good, unlike me. i consider either social media to be an extension of what i write here, or this to be and extension of that. i guess social media came first, though it’s capable of a less subtly nuanced expression of life’s ups and downs. i’d rather write in a blog that i’m lonely tonight, and explain it than make a facebook status update that just says “i am lonely”, that seems weird.
i’m probably going to stay up late again, though, because that’s how my sleep cycle is now, especially on the weekends. breakfast isn’t until 9 on the weekends so i don’t want to wake up at 7 like i normally do and be hungry for 2 hours. this is one of those token instances of things i don’t like about being in a rehab program, and am sick of. i can’t wait til i can just wake up, make coffee and oatmeal, and start my day when it starts, as opposed to getting up, putting shoes on and having to go stand in line in the cafeteria. i’m really out of it in the morning before i’ve had sufficeient coffee and my medication, which i can’t take until 10 (annother annoying thing). it’s the little things like this that i will not miss, when i’m living independently.
maybe i wont stay up late, after all, i’m starting to feel kind of tired actually. it’s nice, ive been pretty wired around this time of night lately.
i want to say one thing before i go upstairs, i think it’s really cool how this blog is getting drastically increased traffic as i drastically increase my writing, and i suspect that the quality has increased recently, judging from the way it feels coming out. so the end of this post is a lot like when a band thanks people for coming out. thanks for coming out, wherever you came out of or are at when you read what i’m writing.
i want to say something else, too. i might stop having ChatGPT edit my posts for spelling and grammar, because it goes way over the line as far as changing the wording and tone, making it nowhere near what i intended. i have my voice, i’ve cultivated it and it’s way more interesting than the shit that AI changes it to.
A MESSAGE FROM OUT SPONSORS (you)
this blog is made possible by readers like you, who generously buy me 5 dollar coffees. not often, but, it has happened. i think it’d be great for it to happen again and so here is the link, it’s not really coffee but its actually the goal of one of those cheap 150$ laptops:
