1/24
if you meet an attractive young woman in rehab that you get along with, do not under any circumstances know her for any longer than your stay there. just trust me, go on tinder or something, do not keep in contact with this person after discharge.
if you do make the mistake of staying in contact with her, do not under any circumstances agree to help her procure any crack cocaine, even if she is willing to pay for you to get high. it is not worth it.
you may have even found her attractive at some point and have had some kind of romantic inclination toward her, this makes my advice all the more important. you may think, hey, what a good time, i’ll get high with the girl i crushed on and maybe some sparks will fly, right? i have been rather starved for female attention for longer than i’d care to admit (it’s embarassing). so, while you’re hoping for a little action, you discover that when she get’s high she get’s acutely paranoid about little things like breathing too loud, and the neighbors listening to what you’re saying. she may decide to text you from directly next to you on the bed, to avoid speaking out loud.
this level of tension is far from romantic…far from fun, and wayyyy out of the area code of anything resembling pleasurable feelings. That’s the thing about crack: It’s not Fun to do, But you can’t wait to empty your entire wallet into a crack dealers pocket.
if i we’re to describe it, i’d hear Tommy Chong’s voice saying “its a real bummer man.”
one wants to tell her to just “mellow out”.
I can’t even tell myself to mellow out though I got to get rid of this shit. This is one of the most depressing fucking situations I’ve ever been in.
That particular drug is unfulfilling by Design to keep you emptying resources into it. The Central Intelligence Agency created it to undermine the Civil Rights Movement and the plight of African Americans. If you don’t believe me just Google Oliver North and Freeway Rick Ross. The CIA did a bang up job with its design as dispenser for suffering.
In a panic I told our shared outpatient counselor what was going on with us and she took it as a major betrayal, I guess it’s good that she probably will never talk to me again.
You see this is why I never took on a running partner. You know I’ve never been able to really handle having romantic feelings for another person nor have I been able to handle my substances so if you marry those two things together I’m in an Uncharted Territory for disaster., I’ve had broken hearts and crack habits separately and alone they were more than my poor heart can handle. Now I have the kind of heartbreak that you can physically feel in your chest and an unquenchable thirst for drugs.
I don’t know how i was supposed to defend myself given how lonely I was I didn’t even really care about getting high as much as I cared about her companionship. You see in my head I have nothing to offer anyone, and I kept telling her that she didn’t need me but the thing was she made it feel like she actually wanted me around. This is not an excuse, drug addicts are going to do drugs that’s what they do.
And so I went to places at 3 in the morning that were like they were out of a Jay Z or Nas song with no regard for my personal safety to make sure I could keep her wanting to be around me. Luckily I never got hurt or robbed.
I have so much love in my heart that I can barely carry it.
1/25
I am right near the program that you may have read about being in since last year, and I have just talked to my counselor about what I should do next. She was very proud of me. I’m not very proud of myself but I don’t think I would have put a stop to this in the past. I would usually ride it to the office supply aisles of Target and face first into a Manhattan sidewalk.
I did learn to have some love for myself over the course of the last year and a half. I’m trying to operate like someone who cares about their outcome.
It took me about a week to compose this post because I didn’t really have the heart to let everyone down. I want the best for everyone even if that means they won’t talk to me anymore.
My hope is that some point this woman I was involved with will realize I was trying to help us. I guess that’s really none of my business.
This young lady has a whole lot of qualities that I see in myself including the razor sharp yet utterly useless self-awareness that makes me a good writer. She’s so smart and funny, just like any of us who can’t seem to stay clean to save our lives.
It’s a good thing I am a writer because what I’m doing right now and typing this is what kept me attached to a reason not to give up.
There is some reason that I keep rolling out of these near death experiences it’s just that I don’t know what it is yet. If I had nothing to offer this world I would have lost this battle years ago. I know I’ll never kill myself. It’s my mission to survive no matter how painful that is. One would hope that my experience could benefit someone else, not that I’m that selfless.
So this is what’s going to happen, luckily I have no Financial resources to continue getting high. I did however pick up a full prescription of Adderall, and I’ve gotten myself very altered on speed. That’s fine, it feels a lot better than the way I was, crawling around the floor in my room.
If you’ve read this, thank you. Try not to worry about me, I survive everything. If you know me in real life sorry to have disappointed you again if you think that’s bad you should feel how disappointed I am in myself.
It’s important to me that I don’t paint the picture of blaming anyone else for what happened especially the person who it happened with. That girl is not a malignant person who wanted to harm anyone or wants to harm anyone, she’s just as lost as I am trying to find something to hold on to or to distract her from how fucking lost she is. That’s what we do, we hurt others to make it possible for us to try to avoid feeling all of the hurt we have inside of us. This is why it’s common for people in rehab facilities to find themselves romantically involved because they do anything not to take a look at themselves that’s required for them to get better. I watched her get into numerous emotional entanglements with other clients while I was in treatment with her and I always gave her this advice unfortunately I could not take it for myself.
Of course I knew better, knowing better is irrelevant when you can’t stand yourself for even a second, and you’d do anything to feel differently.
1/27/24 8 am
I’m supposed to get picked up and brought into treatment at 9:00 I’m just sitting here feeling like shit waiting, hoping nothing gets in the way. I don’t know how I could handle another day of this.
