I was writing something earlier and thought, ‘Oooh, that typing is feeling nice,’ so I thought I’d do a little more. I’ve wanted to touch on this for a long time, but I’ve had a lot of fear and hesitation. I decided to finally go for it.
According to Facebook Memories It’s been a year since I took off on my last spiral of horrible, self-destructive substance abuse on the streets of New York City, and I still haven’t done it again since August 15th, 2022. I don’t know how long ago August 15th, 2022 was, and I’m not keeping count. I think I’ve made some progress, though it’s always hard for me to see it. It’s complicated, though.
I’ll tell you why I’m not talking about being sober for however long: I take a stimulant medication for my ADHD called Concerta. Sure, it’s not meth (see: Adderall), but it is Ritalin. It doesn’t have the potential for abuse that Adderall has (see: sniffing 100mg) because of how it’s composed in its little time-release, anti abuse pill. I’ve been on it since November. I find it helpful for my mood and attention span deficiencies. I never feel “high”, i just feel normal. the medication thing took a lot of trial and error, with various troubled times, i think it’s finally where it needs to be.
I haven’t really told anyone about it outside of my doctors and counselors, so leave it to me to go on a very public forum and dump the information.
Given my time spent in a very strict anti-medication-assisted treatment AA culture, I have a bit of impostor syndrome. There are all these people against things like Suboxone and other medications that people take to assist them in not dying from day-to-day terminal phase drug addiction. I used to be one of them, but what did I know? The medication issue is a controversial point of contention among those in recovery.
I go back and forth between feeling shame for being on a non AA-approved medication and just thinking, ‘Hey man, whatever it takes to not be smoking crack on 36th Street.’ I don’t know. Who really cares? Who has to live with my outcome but me? I’m not even supposed to be alive if you look at the ways I’ve behaved. There have been so many times when just the nice weather alone has pushed me back into a drinking and drug free-for- all, which is very much what happened on this day last year.
I’ll see people having a mimosas on a nice patio table in Manhattan, and think “oh that looks so nice”. I don’t even consider that my drinking is never mimosas on nice lower Manhattan patio tables, and really hasn’t been for at least 10 years. I drink shitty malt liquor in the gutter. These days, I have that ability to see the whole thing now… I used to just see the mimosas on a nice patio… now I see the gutter.
Things are infinitely better than they were last August. Things are even a lot better than they were two weeks ago. Maybe it’s just about finding a way to get by without burning everything down. I don’t need to be someone’s poster child for recovery or whatever. I just need to live with myself. I am also not a commercial for Ritalin, nor do I know what’s right for anyone. I even really know what’s right for me most of the time. Things feel pretty right, or at least more right than they did.
I’m not sure where I’m going with this. I just wanted to let it out. That’s what I used to do in my writing: let shit out. I still regularly say no to other drugs as this city presents many opportunities. I said no to free crystal methamphetamine just last week. my go to line is “oh no, I've been down that road, man, it get’s dark”. I used to not be able to see the whole thing, just the fun part.
Am I right where I want to be? No, absolutely not. Do I feel like I’ve made progress? Yes, but I can never give myself any credit for it. The people around me seem to think I’m doing pretty well. I’ll try to listen to them.
I don’t have much, but I'm pretty happy with what I do have, and really don’t want to lose it. There are so many things I have now that I would’ve killed for a year ago, when I try to keep in touch with gratitude that’s the thought I arrive at. I can listen to my favorite music, while playing street fighter, with really cool pants on. I can sing my favorite songs. I can talk to my friends and family. my belly is full. a year ago, I had none of these things. sure, i have my moments where i think about what i don’t have, but i have more moments where i think about what i do have, and that’s what keeps me from giving up.
oh yes the link, to the links: https://linktr.ee/evr0ck17
