Oh, look at that: it’s Mental Health Awareness Month, interesting. I don’t find that our society is sufficiently aware of mental health. It’s better than it was 10 years ago, but it’s still piss poor. This is especially evident in the city I live in (NYC), where people are freaking out all over the place. If you think mental illness is being properly addressed, just take a stroll through Midtown Manhattan sometime — those people are talking to themselves (and the sidewalk, the sky, the birds, and anyone in earshot). I don’t know where public mental healthcare is well-funded and adequate, but I know for a fact it isn’t here in New York.
Plus, there are multiple mass shootings in the country weekly, and everyone wants to talk about mental health before they talk about guns. They don’t really do anything about either. This is a separate issue for another post, but why don’t we stop the mentally ill from getting guns? Just saying.
I’m in a unique position to speak on the mental health topic for a number of reasons. My family has been torn apart by mental illness for generations, and it has left devastation in its wake all over the place. My mother has two sisters who committed suicide, and my paternal grandmother struggled with mania and depression that landed her in the hospital many, many times. I remember trying to understand it as a child — why Nana’s behavior was so strange. Later in life, I would understand it clearly.
My father’s life was destroyed by his mental illness… twice, and the shockwaves changed the lives of the whole family. Most recently, in 2019, while manic, he spent $65,000 of money that belonged to his clients on all kinds of vacations and Costco purchases. He never recovered, lost his livelihood as a lawyer, and became a convicted felon. I haven’t spoken to him in a few months, but I’m sure he is still very unwell. I think about him.
Unsurprisingly, I have my fair share of diagnoses that have caused me a great deal of anguish. I’ve written a lot of these stories in this blog — I think that’s one of the main subject matters I address here. I have gone positively mental with mania and tried to commit suicide a few times from depression, as recently as last summer. Luckily, I never succeeded. I’ve taken a whole rainbow of medications, been in countless hospitals, and even had 15 rounds of electroconvulsive therapy. I’m pretty alright lately, though, which is nice.
I don’t have any answers — no definitive answers for myself or the bigger issue at large. I hope the stigma surrounding mental illness keeps fading. We shouldn’t be dismissive of anyone and just call them crazy, because there’s a person in there — they might very possibly be highly intelligent or talented. It might surprise everyone.
My father said something to me when I was in high school, beginning my struggle with bipolar depression that might be true. He said something to the effect of “you have amazing gifts, but nothing comes for free.” These “crazy” people that society has dismissed most assuredly have gifts of their own. I can do things that a lot of people can’t do, just like other people seem to easily pull off things I struggle with. Artsy creative type people are all a little crazy — you have to be, otherwise you would’nt even try.
I do get stuck in the “feel bad for myself” vortex about it, like “what and why the fuck am I this way?” I compare myself to everyone else and get embarrassed about how crazy I am. I can’t stay there though, and I can get out of it by doing things like writing, making music, or my little computer nerd projects. When I do good work, I feel valuable and talented.
I’m sure people have dismissed me as crazy, and you know what? Fuck ’em. What am I supposed to do? At least I’m willing to talk about it… there are too many people ignoring the whole thing, to everyone’s detriment. Which brings me to awareness: talk about it, talk about your mental health with people you trust, be compassionate to others and their struggles. I think that trying to pretend that mental illness isn’t a thing is dangerous because, trust me, it definitely is a thing. You can try to hide from it, but it’s going to find you. I would guess that if it wasn’t swept under the rug in my mom’s family, my two aunts would still be here, though it’s not for me to know.
More awareness would save lives. Full stop.
Hey now: did you know that you can now support my creative endeavors with coffee? yes! it’s true! imagine how good we will both feel.
and of course the link of links for all of the other stuff I'm crazy enough to make: https://linktr.ee/evr0ck17
