it’s Monday afternoon, and i’m gonna see if I have a blog post in me despite it being well past my brain’s prime time of the day, which is usually between 10am and noon. I utilized my daily energy supply on important tasks like going to the laundromat and screaming at my roommate for stealing my burrito. now, i’m not going to have a perfectly decent blog turn into strictly complaints about who i’m forced to share an apartment with, but suffice to say my housing people know what’s going on, and they said it’s not the first time they’ve heard these kind of things from a roommate of Mr. patel’s. i'm sure there’s going to be some kind of resolution, and i’m also sure it won’t be immediate.
anyway, i’m not going to do a hat trick or posts bitching about the roommate so we’re gonna move on.
I was laying in bed last night, prior to falling asleep and having a vivid dream about being married to Tina Fey (it was an awesome dream). I was thinking about how something happened to me mentally that put my perception of life in a place that is literally the polar opposite of where it was back in February, when depression landed me in not only hospitals for opiate overdose, but a psychiatric hospital because I was a danger to myself. I physically lost ten pounds in the 3 weeks that I was hanging with this young lady I met in rehab in motels with hourly rates and piles of crack rocks. It’s so weird, it’s not like i’ve really done much besides get on a mood stabilizer…oh yeah, and not smoking crack. I can’t pinpoint a single moment where it turned around, either. it’s not like it’s 100% iron clad either. there is a word I was not always familiar with, until my friend used it a few weeks ago, when talking about some of the things I was expressing on this blog.
Equanimity refers to mental or emotional calmness, especially in a difficult situation. It’s a state of composure and evenness of temper, where you don’t get easily flustered or upset.
now, I will definitely say I wasn’t the picture of equanimity when I returned home ready to eat the burrito I wanted to have for lunch to find out that my roommate had eaten it, I yelled very loudly…but it wound down pretty quickly. also, I tend to say things like “motherfucker” a “son of a bitch” to myself when things perplex me, it’s kind of a release.
I have shit in my life that is a motherfucker (and also a son of a bitch), like lack of funds, disappointment in a move that I thought was going to be a vast improvement of my living arrangement, stress about family members who are struggling…whatever this isn't intended to be a list of things that suck about life. I don’t let this stuff run my thoughts by running my thoughts, they run my life.
the other change I was thinking about before falling into my very pleasant dream, was also pointed out to me by another reader. I value myself and feel that I deserve good things. I conduct myself like someone who cares about themselves. I give myself permission to feel things that are unpleasant, like sadness or anger. it all kind of relates back to the self compassion that I was talking about with my artificial confidant Google Gemini, some feelings are justified, i’m entitled to them, and having them is part of being human.
i’m not trying to have some masturbatory self congratulations or something, because I cant take any credit for this change in my perception and reaction to life’s challenging events. there is something bigger that’s helping me become someone a bit more like i’d want to be.
HEY NOW! I am at the point of being very low on funds, all while having my food stolen (which I can barely afford to buy), it’s a wonderful day to make a contribution to my ko-fi, and I will publicly and sincerely thank you if you do:
ko-fi.com/evr0ck17
