It’s Monday, and I woke up at 6 after sleeping for a good 10 hours. I had 3 coffees, some toast and my favorite strawberry oatmeal (as I do every day). after about 3 cigarettes I pulled out my journal and started thinking about what i’m going to do this week, because I need to feel like i’m doing something or else I’m under the impression that i’m just stuck, broke and failing at life.
I need a doctor, I mean a primary care doctor. someone has got to explain to me why I feel devoid of energy all of the time, whether I slept 11 hours or 4. It’s gotta be some kind of vitamin or iron deficiency, right? What the fuck? It annoys me to no end to be so low energy all of the time.
I also need to find a part time job, and it’s annoying that when I go to look at certain sites like 7–11, their “careers” application thing gets stuck at login. I’m guessing it’s because i’m not on windows (am on chrome OS), so i’m going to go to the library today and see if that’s the case.
By 12 I’ll probably need a nap.
I see people doing things all day, and I just wonder how. I mean, I really can’t pull off an all day of being awake and doing things, and I feel like i’m lazy…even though I know i’m not. I often lack the energy and mental faculty to respond to emails, let alone physically go places and do things at said places.
When you haven’t got any money, you need to figure out how to get some, and this pursuit takes energy. I think about how I used to work 40 hour weeks, while also maintaining a social life. I can’t manage either of those. Was I just younger? I’m only 38 I shouldn’t be so dead all of the time. What the fuck is tiring me out? Medications?
Sometimes, i’m inclined to just cut all of these medications out of the equation. I know that psychiatry is treated by many like religion, especially in my family and i’d be committing heresy, but something’s got to give here, man. Seriously. I have my rescheduled psych appointment on the fifth, and it’s going to be a repeat performance of “doc, I feel like a 500 pound walking corpse all of the time, maybe let’s try for less of that.”
And then, the changes are made, which take 3 weeks to take real effect, and then you find out it’s the same effect, so you come back and say it again. At what point does one give up on this? I mean, I may be crazy but the logic of what i’m saying here is pretty sound, the shit does not help, and I cant remember if it ever did.
So, How am I? generally speaking, I’m annoyed man, i’m annoyed at my inability to function at the level that i’d like to, and given my finances (or lack there of), the level that I need to.
If read my blog, and you would like to help, it’s a great time to do that and there’s an easy way:
https://ko-fi.com/evr0ck17
I don’t feel like i’m just spare changing, online because I really do everything I can do, with all that I have… what else could a man do?
