Good morning, it’s Monday… but hey, time isn’t even real anyway. I've had a good sleep, and I was thinking about having a little return to one of the open tabs in both my mind and this web browser. I haven’t really wanted to write, and doing things that I don’t want to do has never been my strength. Plus, everything (including the computer i type on) has been in a chaotic state of disrepair, but it works well enough to try.
it’s quite amazing, the speed at which I can forget every little thing I was up to that was helpful to my general sense of well being, just the five minutes of guide meditation before falling into the endless doom scroll (which is a bit more doom-y today, thanks to Trump)…woosh, gone.
I’m so fortunate, though. I’m fortunate that I get to sit here, and look at it all, in my safe warm place where I can have my little strawberry ice cream and gummy cheeseburgers, with my favorite music in my headphones… this was often not the case, and when I go outside, the wind reminds me of the nights when I had none of the comforts that are too easily taken for granted.
I thought of a January night in 2014 where I was in one of the apple stores in Manhattan, just to warm up and listen to Dinosaur Jr, until the employee told me it was too loud. When i’d have those stretches of time where i’d be on the street with nothing, it was always access to music that i’d miss the most, especially when that Pharrell “happy” song came out, and could not be escaped… God, when I hear that I still have PTSD. Imagine, the most unhappy phase of life, with that coming out of every speaker there was.
I’m not really sure why I do this, the writing, or why I ever did. these phases happen, until eventually I can’t figure out why I stopped.
it’s only winter, much better than last winter. I just have to look at the things I have that I wished for before the things I wish for now. It’s always going to be a moving target, scaleable and relative.
