You’ll just have to bear with me, i’m in a bit of a mood. No one likes complaints, I know. Well, too bad because i’ve got some and I write everything down.
I’ve got a case of the Mondays, and I know I say that all the time, but “Office Space” is one of my favorite movies. The lines from that film just stay with me.
I’ll give you another line that has stayed with me, from another source: “Life’s a bummer” — Smashing Pumpkins “Hummer”.
That’s kind of where I’m at, I’m not saying the whole thing is a bummer, just sometimes (like now). Good Thing I have therapy at least i’ll be able to talk about it… which doesn’t solve it but might make it hurt a little less.
It’s the end of the month and this always happens, but my financial scorecard reads that big zero, the one that causes me all of the stress. I really hate how much of my emotional well-being is tied to that number, but it just is (for now, until I figure how to transcend it).
I had enough to probably keep food in my stomach for a few more days, so I went and stocked up on all of the nourishment to hold me until hopefully some money comes in, and coffee…I would never dream of living without coffee (or ice cream)
Can you believe that yesterday, both of my pairs of headphones went and broke, just when I cant replace them? what the fuck? I need headphones to make music and hear music instead of everything else that I don’t want to hear. I am listening to music out of my phone speaker as I type this, because I never write without listening to music, it just doesn't work out.
Speaking of music: I've been making it, I was completely devoured by the process literally all weekend. I think I could just lock myself in my room with what I need to make music, some coffee and cigarettes, and the occasional snack and i’d be more than happy. The weird thing that happened is that I never finished anything I worked on for 8 hours straight on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I thought it was so brilliant when I was working on it, but then I fell out of love with it and found it corny. I think the best thing to do is shelve the songs until I can have a fresh set of ears (with headphones) to hear where they should go.
It’s this whole mood thing, where I have all of this confidence to make art that I think is great, but then when my mood changes I think it’s rubbish and i cringe…this blog does that too. Here’s a snippet of one of the songs, because I like documenting the process of creative expression.
It’s kind of catchy, poppy and sappy, plus it actually has a chorus. This is something i’ve never been able to effectively do, make hooks. I've always written my poems as if they were songs, which I had no ability to actually make, but now with these new tools (AI, bandlab) I don’t need to.
I was up at like 2 in the morning just ecstatic about it, trying to see who was awake to hear it. I was like “this is a hit, bro”. Now, I don’t know about that. I wish I stayed inside of my Kanye West self confidence for longer, it’s so rosy and nice in there.
Anyway: please help me keep doing all of the things I find so fulfilling, whether they make hits or not. https://ko-fi.com/evr0ck17 , for the headphone and sustenance fund.
I should remind myself, when I get in my moods that my life is very good lately, and I’m fortunate to be living it. especially since I’m able to do the stuff that gets me going, creatively. there was a time where none of this was true, not long ago
