I’m thinking about it, it’s not easy to look at. i didn’t really get sober when i went to treatment, all i got was my addiction transferred to adderall. somehow there’s a treatment program in the lower east side, that you go to, they put you on speed and validate all of your feelings for six months to a year. i feel like i didn’t change anything. i got housing, but i’m still the same person that i was, maybe my self esteem is a little better, but that’s only when i’m surrounded by people telling me how great of a guy i am. now, i’m by myself all of the time, and no one is telling me anything.
life is hard, man, it is. i’m fucking up, i am. i don’t want to get all into it, but i’m not doing well. my world is very small, even though i can walk around the big city, and see all of these people. my world is me, my mind, and i can’t fucking stand it.
i went to an aa meeting yesterday finally, and it was great, but it was far away. i happened to be in manhattan and i used the meeting finder app and went to a meeting. after the meeting someone came up to me to compliment my Dinosaur Jr. shirt, and mentioned that he had seen the band a few weeks ago. we talked about music for about 10 minutes, and i found out that this kid had about 3 years sober, so we exchanged phone numbers. i’m going to hit this kid up tomorrow, and get on the same meeting, but this time virtually. Washington Square Park is over an hour away by bus and train, so i can’t go there every day, but i know where it is and i can go there some days, and zoom on other days. tried one in queens today, and it took 2 slow, crowded buses over an hour to get there, and the meeting was just people on zoom saying they couldn’t hear over and over, i left. if anything it made me feel worse.
i don’t wanna lose it, man. i’m scared. i don’t know what to do. I can’t use drugs, i know where that goes and i don’t want to go back.
HEY, you can buy me a coffee: https://ko-fi.com/evr0ck17
