I was doing what I do, and watching Instagram reels for longer than I probably should. I saw Ben Affleck talking about how he’s not that fond of the celebrity thing he lives inside of, and that he just wants to work. I don't know what you think of the guy, i’m from Boston so I like him, I think he’s a great actor.
He said something about the need for validation to the effect of “as an artist, no one wants to play to an empty house”. This quickly changed the way I thought of myself as maybe a little too attention seeking, dare I say “an attention whore”. Yes, I post a lot of things, yes I want them to be seen. Sometimes, I wish I could be more mysterious but i’m not a mysterious person, and I have all of these ways to express myself better and I am learning how to do it more effectively all of the time. For instance, I feel like my ability to write songs got fast tracked in just these last few months, as I taught myself more about the software I use (loopers, samplers and actual notes as they relate to each other). I cant tell you if whats coming out is good, but I think it’s better than ever, and feels better than ever (most importantly). You’d have to ask someone that’s known me since I recorded my PlayStation MTV music generator into a Windows XP sound recorder, 30 seconds at a time…wow, over 20 years ago.
Over the last year or so, I eased into recognition that I am the creative type, with the help of a lot of supportive people who encouraged me. It was this realization that gave me more comfort in my skin, and in a way informed me of nothing short of what I think might be my purpose for existing. I know that’s a really tall order, but I mean it in no uncertain terms. If I wasn’t writing, singing and making musical sounds, I don’t know how I would bear a lot of the less pleasurable things in life, as I can get pretty depressed by them. I had a rough day with the whole depression thing, but it’s OK, this is the fourth blog post I've written to keep my head up.
So, if I am the creative type, I make a kind of art… if you do the math, this makes me an artist. So, i’m not going to be self deprecating and give myself shit for not wanting to “play to an empty house”. I’m fully committed to expressing myself for a few reasons, but the most important one is that it does something for me that I don’t get from anything else, not even drugs…and drugs are pretty strong. Of course I want validation, fuck being too cool to be honest about that. I’m less alone than I was a few months ago, but still separate from most of my loved ones and I am addicted to communicating, with them, and anyone else that I can. Communication to me is the antithesis of the silent isolation that either causes, or is the effect of depression.
But, oh man, my headphones are shot and I've got no financial means to to replace them at present, please assist if possible, so that I can go back to my zen spot, inside of music:
https://ko-fi.com/evr0ck17
